new record is hot

they say theres a common thread that binds us all. but what if i sewed you up with an uncommon one and then fell in l o v e with the scar

killing time

basically sucks. especially when your house temperature is practically below freezing. really wish i got cell reception at my house. for real. the loud-ness of this keyboard is driving me insane. my shoulders hurt. i compare too much. still waiting for you. hopefully youre not asleep or else this is mostly obsolete. my head feels not as lonely as i would have expected without music playing constantly inside it. i really cant figure out why songs stopped getting stuck in my head. feels later than it is. i guess because its winter, which means its extra quiet, plus everyone is hard asleep. like, cold meds and prescription pills hard. i truly wonder what it feels like to sleep that much. like, would it be good, or would i feel guilty for not getting up with the rest of the world. sometimes i want to hit myself for complaining about the insomnia so much, but mostly i just want to hit her for telling me i need to wake up three hours earlier to do work, to save her labor, because shes too tired all the time. she sleeps through the day every day. i dont even fucking sleep at night. i dont care if im a bitch about it, or even if its self-indused. i cant even understand that.

wow did not mean to rant just then. sorry. im sick of waiting for something that might not even be coming. i should probably just go to bed. ugh. please tell me something good about your day. i feel like listening, and i havent been doing much of it. i keep refreshing the page and nothing changes and im starting to feel like this is pointless.

i hate wanting anything this much. im also kind of hungry. how do those two thoughts even collaborate in my mind.

much love,
ro

ps that actually felt very genuine to type. odd. usually i kind of feel like im bullshitting everyone (or just exercizing my oxymoron skills) when i write that. not now. not at 11:36pm on december 5th of 2008. not right now.

well then

lots of new stuff. lots of not-so-set-in-stone stuff. lots of crazy. lots of talking. some lying. some wondering. cant break free of any of it and i dont know if i need to

i hate circles

startsomethingstartsomethingstartsomethingstartsomethingstartsomethingstartsomething

blameless

it surprises me how very little material stuff matters in my head

and how much all the social/psychological crap matters. not to repeat myself, but i honestly wonder if my "followers"(lol at the term)of this blog got tired of all my complaining and shit because no one ever comments anymore. if you are one of these people of which i speak... i dont blame you, just so you know. i always figured i would scare people away if i ever actually opened up my head and let the contents hit the keyboard

thanks baby for your analogy. because its true and i hate that. i hate that youre always right and sometimes i appreciate it a LOT and sometimes it drives me crazy. youre one those people that fascinate me. you and him. except i cant ever know you. i know him. well, kind of at least.

silver drops of water that are worth absolutely nothing and you know they mean a thousand times more than your four karat. god i hate that thing though. your words hit me harder than i know they should and i wish someone would just punch me hard enough to knock some sense[s out] into me. im at the edge of the page, end of my rope, last of my ink, pit of my thoughts. you can see it and its ugly. i dont like being ugly and i think that you must not like me when im ugly either. sorry for being ugly

cant stop. wont stop. i must be dreaming

"would you like a side of the stomach flu to go along with that emotial meltdown?"

the correct answer to this question would be "why not?"

medium rare, please.

oh yeah, and to balance out the complaining a little

i was a bumblebee for halloween. i may post a picture, but itll probably be forever in the future when i decide to be un-lazy and nobody cares anymore. my halloween this year was probably the best halloween ive ever spent. ive decided my sisters friends are sort of more fun than mine. sorry my friends.

"you know youre jealous of my skittles"
"oh yeah, well i got starbursts"
"... ill trade you my skittles for your starbursts
.
.
.
.
. oh wait... these arent even mine"

clandestine batheart pumpkin. very posh. trick-or-treating for about fifteen minutes. super fun party with super fun people(yes, the ones who are funner than my other friends). great costume. no rain. lots of grounded fog.

and the next day i got to sleep over with my other(sorry slightly not as fun) friends which was good, since i havent really been able to talk with erin for a while.

still caught up in my own head with my petty problems, but beyond that the past two days were pretty great

oh goodness

new love life[or lack thereof] crises that i should be able to post on here, if anywhere, but sadly i dont think i will. this time seems so far-fetched im not sure its even worth your time. thankfully not the same guy as last time, though. i mean, im not sure this crisis is any better, in retrospect, but it feels good to be able to say ive moved on once - maybe i can do it again. i hate everything about my life at the moment though. gah. someone please explain to me why i keep putting myself in destructive situations. youd think you could just be like "no. it hurts every time, so im just not going to do it anymore". but no. lots of sighs and rolling eyes

hope you get more sleep than i do. hope you havent given up on my potential to be a decent, less self-absorbed person yet. im trying

ive decided i honestly do only post on this thing when im in a bad mood

updates in my life are more of the same boring things ive already said, especially the crying parts. ive never been much of the tears on my pillow type but in the past couple weeks ive cried at night several times. all musically related somehow

songs that have made me cry, either because of the song by itself or the situation/mindset i was in when i listened to it:

+ our lady of sorrows - my chemical romance
+ growing up(acoustic)- fall out boy
+ saturday - fall out boy
+ folkin' around - panic at the disco
+ what a catch, donnie - fall out boy
+ time to dance - panic at the disco

saturday was just because i was feeling nostalgic and it came on and i dont know i just started crying. there was really no thought process. folkin around was a complicated and long thought process while that song was on repeat. i was thinking about how strange it is, the level of meaning these few bands have to me. that almost nothing in the entire world, honestly, means more to me than the music they make and how phony that sounds even to me. how its a few guitar chords and some catchy hooks and that it can make two people of completely different backgrounds, personalities, races, ages, anything - feel the same thing at the same time. or even two polar opposite things at the same time, based on what it means to them specifically. and i was thinking about how even the people who make the music are amazing to me, not because theyre famous, but because in the biggest way possible without actually knowing them or stalking them, i know what types of people they are and they amaze me. and all of that seems utterly impossible for anyone to understand and even sounds exaggerated, and it might be i guess, but it all feels true to me and its a crazy thing.

and how little tiny things mean something to me that would mean nothing to someone else. the same thought process led me to remembering the first night i actually really listened to panic at the disco. i liked one or two of their popular songs but hadnt ever really given them a chance, so i decided to by some of the songs off of afycso and give them a try. so i bought martyrdom and suicide, nails for breakfast and time to dance, put them on my ipod and was about to watch a movie. i had an aero bed set up downstairs with a bunch of blankets anmd all that, and i put my headphones in and listened to the new songs while i changed into pjs and brushed my teeth. and i sat on my aero bed listening to them over again and feeling what they were about a few times before starting the movie. and ive never forgotten that and i dont necessarily want to. and i dont know why things like that stick out in my head. but they almost always have to do with music, i think because its the only thing that really makes me feel.

i remember wanting to rush home from school to catch fob on trl weekdays when thnks fr th mmrs was popular. i remember listening to snitches and talkers again and again and how great i thought it was, and the way that was when i didnt really know fall out boy. it was still just pure, unbiased, new, exciting music. i can feel the way that felt, almost, in the back of my head, even though its gone now. i remember the first time watching all the interviews and live performances and what i thought of pete and patrick and joe and andy before i knew a thing about them. i remember listening to welcome to the black parade and liking the way it wasnt just verse-chorus-verse-chorus. it intrigued me. and i remember not liking the first time i saw gee with black hair because i had always known him with short blonde hair. and i remember deciding i was in love with frank iero after seeing a two-second clip of him on fuse where gerard was showing steven how to do his makeup. i remember dance, dance and every now and then very faintly when im listening to it in my headphones late at night i can hear it the same way i did when it was the only fob song id ever heard. i remember that was the first time anything like pete's lyrics ever caught my attention. "im two quarters and a heart down... dance, dance, were falling apart to half time" was the first "wow. thats amazing" moment, ever, for me. patricks "love" was when i decided that if i ever had sex this song would need to be playing.

i hate what music does to me because it makes me want all of that back. like, i want to be the person i was standing at my bathroom counter listening to that bassline and smiling and feeling what i felt, again for just a second because it felt so good.

it makes you want to hold yourself to keep everything from gushing out and drowing you
i know nobody will ever really understand that but it makes me feel good to pretend that writing this makes you get it just a little bit better

"im two quarters and a heart down
and i dont want to forget how your voice sounds
these words are all i have so i write them
so you need them just to get by
dance dance
were falling apart to half time
dance dance
and these are the lives youd love to lead
dance, this is the way theyd love
if they know how misery loved me
why dont you show me
little bit of spine
youve been saving for his mattress,
love"

god you dont know what it means

its that way

the way you sweat
the way youre so close together the air gets thin
the way you cant stand on your own two feet afterwards
the way you scream until you lose your voice
the way you bruise and the way you smile

yes im talking about last night, but im not talking to you darling

i love and hate post-concert depression in equal parts. i love it because that just seems to be the way i am... its feeling, and its feeling a lot, all at once. so i like it. i hate it because you want to be there again. i love and also hate being sore and hoarse and sweaty. i love and hate the fact that you get so desperately thirsty youll drink out of a water bottle thats been passed around to 50 hot(like the temperature, kay) people you dont know.

almost got a drumstick from hit the lights. touched sing it loud's bassist's arm. laughed a lot at jonathan from ftsk's craziness. got caught up in the scramble during cobra's last/encore song, went a bit psycho, and was standing pretty much beneath gabe saporta, who happens to be extremely tall. hearts for ryland because i love him and hes hilarious

"ouch, gabriel, that really hurt!"

halloween is probably my favorite holiday ever, making october my favorite month. i feel like watching a vampire movie in my orange casper the ghost pants and staying up late and making tents and stuff. i think we need a halloween break from school so we can enjoy these things to their full extent. i dont know, i just really feel like being creeped out. or at least watching something dark and creepy-themed, even if its from the ninteies and isnt accually scary

holy crap

well the countdown just backtracked to SIXTY THREE DAYS.

:|

folie a deux has been postponed till december 16. i think i might die. especially since theyre releasing another single tomorrow, and another the next tuesday. and more podcasts. and i appreciate the effort, what with the keeping us busy until december, but itd honestly be easier for me to just keep it off my mind for the next few months. oh well. i guess ill tough it out. maybe. all i have to do it breathe and keep going, right? easy enough

one of my hormone-less friends decided she liked someone today. i thought id be more happy about that. i dont know. i obviously cant say that it annoys me, because ive been bugging her to like someone for the past year, but it does. dont know why. i guess it brought up the me liking/not liking someone thing again, i mean obviously not verbally but in my head. its so STUPID. like two weeks ago i was like "i think its possible that i still like him, shit" and now its like "no im pretty sure i dont". its like i quit some kind of freakish addiction cold turkey and i can go fine until i see it or hear it or anything, and then im bad again. so i guess now im hoping NOT to ever see him at another football game. then as soon as i decide that ill see him at one, not get to talk to him, and wish to see him again for the following month, right? yeah well. ive got some issues

think thats it. possibly something more exciting sometime else. i havent written in a long time ._.

second star to the right

three cheers for long song titles

"headfirst slide into cooperstown on a bad bet" is the second song to be released from folie a deux. theyre going to continue to release one song each week until the album drops, as a part of their plan to cut every possible cost for us from the album and upcoming tour. because of the financial situation and all; its cool that they realize that people who are going to have to let go of some luxuries for financial reasons are going to let go of the arts first. and they dont want us to be without music any more than we do. so lots of "first come first serve" ten-dollar-ticket US shows.

anyway that was a long ramble. i havent allowed myself to listen to more than thirty seconds of cooperstown because i want to hear the record as a whole, instead of most of it in little pieces for a month. but i appreciate what theyre trying to do, and the thirty seconds i heard was epic. it sounds like theyve got keyboard in it(not sure tho - again, thirty seconds) which makes it feel a little more techno-ish than anything ive ever heard from them. i am having a really really hard time not buying it. seriously.

~~~TWENTY EIGHT DAYS~~~

if youre looking for a movie

1) eagle eye
2) nick and norah's infinate playlist

both are amazing. just got back from the latter and its raining outside and i just realized i missed fall/winter a lot. i also took lots of personality quizzes while i was bored today, and i think im the type of person who just needs people. like, if there is a random stranger on a bus with ears and arms who doesnt mind me doing so, i will totally talk to them about my life and then fall asleep on their shoulder. not kidding. its not like im clingy, per se, i just need people. if that makes any sense. and i need people who are cool with me being borderline bipolar and highly emotional. or, you know, just me being a teenager, if that sums it up. i think the people i have around me right now are either a few years less mature than me in am emotional sense, and they only like the me who is crazy and fun and laughs a lot. but thats about half of me, half the time. and they just avoid the other half, half of the time. and that just makes the needy half more depressed. so heres to me finding people with ears and arms. and shoulders i guess. and tolerance. because im really not as "fuck the world. i hate myself" as i sound a lot of the time. its just, i have no one to talk to about things that arent happy and related to the muppet show, and no one who doesnt cringe when i need to just cry and be listened to and held. they all think im crazy and want me to be happy. and i just want them to want me to be whatever i need to be.

sorry for not making sense again. only not making sense in the process of making sense of what i want and what i need

spirit week

so this week was spirit week. my friends are all retards and accually care what people think about them so they hardly did anything. one of the afformentioned retards said today at a football game to my other friend, "never pass up any chance to be crazy!" and i really wanted to slap her. hypocritical much, ms im-not-going-to-do-a-thing-for-spirit-week-because-people-with-think-im-a-freak


:|


monday: prairie spirit day. yeah. lots of red and yellow. oh, right, "crimson and gold". sorry phs. its not that cool. its red and yellow. and you know it

tuesday: twin day. me and some girl from french just randomly decided to be twins the day before. we were like "hey do you have a purple shirt??? how about pants, do you have those???.... oh and wear converse!!!" then we showed up the next day and we accually looked a lot alike. it was pretty intense

wednesday: tie dye day. fun stuff. me and king tie-dyed our shirts on tuesday night together, and hers turned out pretty wicked. mine was cool too, but it was a little more polka-dott-ed than swirled. oh well. i liked it

thursday: TOGA DAY. the best ever. i mean seriously. they give you a whole day to wear a frigging bed sheet to school. i honestly dont understand how people can be so wrapped up in not "looking dorky" that they would pass up an opurtunity to wear a TOGA to school. it was so much fun. mine had kitty paws on it and my frnch teacher gave me a burger king "cat in the hat" crown. everyone was like ...."shes not seriously going to wear that around school is she", and i was like "hell yeah i am". i take pride in amazing things that people think are lame. they nknow they own. theyre just to self conscious and dumb to admit that im cooler than them, in my kitty paws toga and dr seuss hat

friday: color wars. frosh were yellow. which sucked. and we failed epicly at the assembly. but it was fun anyway

okay so thats that. gah this sounds so bad but im going to say it anyway. my friends are seriously becoming a tad bit annoying. like today at the color wars assembly, which was crazy fun, one of my best friends is all "oh my gosh this is so boring id rather be in class". :| . ummm. okay then, thats nice for you but its kind of, i dont know, like... :\
and then the whole "oh! im so wachy and fun and im crazy and ill do anything and i dont care what people think!" and then when it comes down to it and i have a whole week to be wacky and nerdy, she ttly doesnt do anything and pretends to not know me. PLUS this guy she told me about for weeks liked her a lot, and she kept saying how much she HATED him and he was so annoying and all that. okay well i just met him and hes accually really nice and pretty cute. like, im the person that never gets any attention like that at all and here she is with a nice, cute guy falling over her and she cant do anything but complain about it. while im in my head failing miserably and all depressed over wanting someone who ill never have

oh my goodness. its just getting hard

but not in a really really hard like depressing way. im accually in an okay mood. we lost our homecoming game, but it was expected and accepted. it was fun hanging out and meeting people and getting dumped on by the rain

walking in the halls at school just before the bell:
random dudes high-fiving eachother and me:

"you going to the game tonight?
YOU READY TO LOSE???"

lol thats prairie pride for you. ah the enthusiam over the eminent losing. at least we cheer anyway

oh yeah, forgot

"your mouth it moves but fails to speak
and when you use your lips they better be on me

the lies
that tied
your tongue
in knots
are the words
that grew
to hit
my spine
so filthy
dialed desire
swallowed pride but spit out fire
liars turn me on

bounce, bounce, baby"

alex deleon is serious insanity. i love those guys. theyll be in this very state in thirteen days. yeah, and i wont be there. gah.

current hug list(sis - make one toooo!):

- patrick stump
- brendon urie
- ryan ross
- frank iero
- pete wentz
- gerard way
- gabe saporta
- william beckett
- possibly alex deleon or johnson whateverhislastnameis
- mike carden looks huggable but hes not necessarily a permanent resident of this list

kay that is all. no checks so far D': but that could be because i just made this and havent ever met anyone

location:

writing during a northern downpour, from a mountain in the middle of the cabins somewhere behind the sea. i have friends in holy spaces; were all mad as rabbits and were so starving. shes a handsome woman, and you know she had the world. do you know what im seeing? folkin' around when the day met the night, a pas de cheval such as yours - how unfortunate. is it possible that its already nine in the afternoon? i believe the piano knows something i dont know.
dont ask me to tell you the truth, babe, i write sins not tragedies.
oh yeah, wrong album

everyone in the world who ever had an email address decided to die. and nothing else is new on the internet. and im so frigging bored. and its almost ten o clock which means i wont be sleeping for a long time. *roll eyes*. im serious i think i only post on this thing when im in a bad mood. or bored. which kind of makes sense but also doesnt because then i sound like a whiney idiot.
so what can i tell the world...
november needs to come sooner. not sure who im going to be the day before it does. im sure it wont be the same person ive ever been before or ever will be. i like not only having a day to dress up, but having twenty four full hours to not have to be yourself. i dont think im ever myself anyway, but not having to pretend anything is nice. yeah yeah i know "a whole day to not have to be yourself". sounds very much like pretending, no? not for me. nothing tastes more at home on the tip of my tongue than fiction.
"summer love on a gurney with a squeaky wheel"
i wish that song was making the album. i really really cant wait though. ive never had to be excited for an album before. so i can honestly say this is the most excited about an album ive ever been.

shouldve done my homework tonight. accually no. i shouldve done it in class. i should probably do it tomorrow and youll probably read the same thing, same time, tomorrow night.

love always

vices are the voices of those who cant stand the grandstanding. hold your breath, bite your tongue. another mistake, you say you'll make up for it, i'm just dying to wake up for it

ive decided maybe its being home that gets me this way... i wish that was as good a thing as it sounded

been away since thursday. been okay. been running and listening and destroying the lower half of my body. jesus of suburbia by green day made me cry today but whats new. i always exaggerate how emotional and dramatic i am so, as hypocritical as this entire sentence sounds, i know it really means nothing to be writing this but ive been doing a lot of crying lately. like, for real, more than usual. once a night, sometimes in the day. its mostly because im frustrated with myself, and partly because i hate the things that arent in my control and i hate that im not in control of them. my cat looks really angry and i think shes mad that i left her. i wish people would feed me and pet me and tell me theyre sorry when i pout and throw a fit about them leaving me for perfectly logical reasons. but usually they just roll theyre eyes and tell me to get over it and i usually dont. more on the topic of this sentence... im ruling out candidates for the cause of these stupid moods i get in. im not like this all the time, i promise, but i almost always blog when i am and i almost never blog when im not. so it must seem like im eternally stuck up to the problems of everyone else and absorbed in my own petty problems that i design for myself. really, i only do that sometimes. but its getting more frequent. and its either a) this house/being in the middle of nowhere, b) being alone/feeling alone, c) lack of sleep, d) my addiction to the internet, e) just me being a prat. you tell me which you think is the most likely

as ive stated before, and it continues to be true: i cant ever take a compliment but i adore hearing what people have to say about me, or what they think of me. whoever wrote this may not know me but i enjoyed reading it and smiling half-heartedly at the fact that its mostly true. there are parts that i really dont believe are true, but hey. what do i know about myself. its pretty accurate, for the most part

what the name "robin" means:
"You are wild, crazy, and a huge rebel. You're always up to something.
You have a ton of energy, and most people can't handle you. You're very intense.
You definitely are a handful, and you're likely to get in trouble. But your kind of trouble is a lot of fun.

You are well rounded, with a complete perspective on life.
You are solid and dependable. You are loyal, and people can count on you.
At times, you can be a bit too serious. You tend to put too much pressure on yourself.

You are full of energy. You are spirited and boisterous.
You are bold and daring. You are willing to do some pretty outrageous things.
Your high energy sometimes gets you in trouble. You can have a pretty bad temper at times.

You tend to be pretty tightly wound. It's easy to get you excited... which can be a good or bad thing.
You have a lot of enthusiasm, but it fades rather quickly. You don't stick with any one thing for very long.
You have the drive to accomplish a lot in a short amount of time. Your biggest problem is making sure you finish the projects you start.

You are very intuitive and wise. You understand the world better than most people.
You also have a very active imagination. You often get carried away with your thoughts.
You are prone to a little paranoia and jealousy. You sometimes go overboard in interpreting signals."

nothing makes sense to me unless its coming out of your mouth. rinse and repeat. ill get it eventually. i promise

second star to the right

this was a few days ago. un-edited. crazy brain garbage

sitting in the dark with the sun still up
when did i get like this
when it was happening i thought it was all in my head
but it feels very real
the way fever dreams in sweaty sheets feel
you know its a dream but that doesnt change the fact that it fucks with your head
feet are wet from the rain on the porch and the porchlights you broke
none of its getting to me
translucent pages and bleeding ink
i like to think its raining but its really just the first day of fall
if you ever wanted to know the truth
im afraid of losing you
im afraid of this sitting here in an empty house
im terrified of dying in my sleep
i am worse than i was but i already said that so i know you wont believe me
this is the weirdest thing ever
i dont want to turn any lights on and the tv means nothing
i know hes coming in an hour but i dont believe ive ever felt this alone
writing this feels like me
re-reading it feels like characterization
been looking out this window with the curtain shut
when will i ever learn
dont believe anything i say
no cratch that. believe it. it isnt as much the cleverness as id like you to think it is
too afraid to open the door
well that one might be a metaphor
i guess
most the time i just lie and say they are though
"pick up the phone fucker"
i cant hold on to this
but i try and you laugh and the sky is getting darker and i must be getting paler
i love you
go wash the writing off my arms from your toxic mouth

get home and the suns up so you leave the lights off
scribble on this page till its midnight and youre too afraid to walk around this house to flip the switches
so you sit alone in the dark and run your mouth and shine your smile
what are you waiting for

nothing is planned anymore

landing in a country where no one knows what any of this means might be refreshing
or it might be exactly the same and it might slap me in the face
no one cares about your silly head and your aching heart when its all in a foreign language
do they have these words in your world

"and im not going home alone, cuz i dont do too well on my own"

spending multiple hours at home after school for the next week. off to a GREAT start with that. scribble down that sarcasm in your notes you might need it for the pop quiz later. i just sent this, and thought id share the contents of my thoughts with the random interweb-people who get it more than the person i accually send these to. but this is dedicated to you love, for putting up with me if not understanding me. no im not lesbian. i just realized i sounded like i might be. no, im not. really.

"In a message dated 9/22/2008 6:20:57 P.M. Pacific Daylight Time, rockin_robin8794 writes:

so i dont see how you could have possibly not noticed this, but you probably overlooked it like no big deal.

*---* was at the football game on thursday. and i was totally just like sitting there fine and all and then i was like holy shit. no. im done with you. walk away. i havent thought about you in like a month go away PLEASE. and then he wouldnt go away. so i was like 'im going to go talk to him. we were friends, afterall' then im like jesus christ i cant. because a) youd be mad at me for ditching you and b) im a loser and im gutless. so i was like 'thats it im talking to him after erin leaves. then like three minutes after i made that decision he got up and left. i was like :| ... and so my heads like 'thats fine thats cool i dont care i havent talked to him in months i dont like him anymore' but then i got home and sat down to do homework and out of NOWHERE, like not a thought about it had crossed my mind, i just started bawling. like, oh my god please kill me kind of flood of suckiness.

yeah i know. get over it robin. you lose, he doesnt care. move on

i wish

-----------------

Frogluv wrote:

i honestly didn't even see him. where was he? and im really really sorry, cuz like, u know that u shudnt like him, but u do anyway. which sucks really bad. poieahkjsgtnfls,kdpoeyhtjrenfmdkxpsiuiurhgjfhnf... and just to let u know, i do get it.

Love,
Magic Talking Journal

ps
dont call me, im going outside

-----------------

rockin_robin8794 wrote:

omeegee are you serious. i despise you (about the ps) you retard. im like dying over something stupid and youre like 'sure call me in two minutes!' then youre like 'ps im leaving. good luck with your pathetic life' :'| i think i should stop having convos with you because every time you leave im left worse off than i was

anyway, i guess im too much of an idiot to just burn the magic talking diary that keeps making me depressed, so ill continue writing in it and making it happy how bout that. if youre laughing just so you know im not amused. i dont care if *she*s there. sorry *her*. i dont care about you

front row to the right of the rest of the bg-ers. X.x i cant believe you didnt notice. like, i would have believed it if i hadnt been staring at the back of his head for like 45 minutes straight, but seeing as that was the case i figured you woulda eventually followed my eyes down that direction.

i want to believe you get it. honestly. i just dont see as you can because unless you really are that skilled at keeping things from stupid unobservant robin, you havent liked anyone like i have. and i dont want to tell you 'no! you dont get it! go away but not really because i want to tell you everything and punish you if you dont sympathise, and then slap you in the face with a 'you loser you so dont get it!".... but thats how i wish it could work. i wish i could tie you to a chair and tell you everything and beat you till you were like 'yeah i so get it' then beat you again until you were like 'no your wonderfulness i cannot possibly imagine the torture youve been through". i want that. i really want it really. i am the needy-est, most ungrateful, pathtic, failing piece of junk ever to be molded into a human being im serious

i hate everything about this. i hate this right now, these past four days, and i hate that i do this like once every two months and each time i know how stupid it is but i just keep doing it. im going to hurl up the contents of brain and slit my heart and flush everything down the drain and walk around completely empty and normal and void like every other person on the planet cuz thats how its supposed to be. i think they should have a revised definition of "teen angst" in the dictionary just for me

i hate that you were entirely right when you said i was an emotional rollercoaster. i hate that i am not the same person for more than 6 hours per day. i hate that you wont know how to reply to this and youll just be like ":(" and it wont help me at all and that isnt your fault but i blame it on you. i hate a lot and i dont love very much. hate and love both being in the verb tense

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

rockin_robin wrote:

i dont even know. id been doing so good about not bugging you with my pettiness. i used a blog and a pen and a piece of paper for that. but i cant explain this with that. i cant explain this at all and i know this is no use at all because you wont know what to make of it, and i wish it wasnt like that. but it is and i wish i could accept it. and i hate that my writing only makes sense in my own head, occasionally, and that if i wanted people to get it i could write it that way but thats too easy. i want people to hurt their minds trying to get it the way it hurts mine to think it and feel it. and i dont have a single friend who gets it, which i shouldnt care about. i should be grateful i have friends. but im sick and stupid and i want them to be perfect. and why the fuck cant i ever think a single thought without shoving it down on this fucking keyboard for you to read and not give a care about. why. please tell me why you can be so sure about yourself. nothing is complicated. you dont want to tell me something, you dont tell me. i cant even fricking keep from sending you emails that i know you wont reply to. and i hate it when you dont because i want you to but when you do im not satisfied, because i need more. i need you to need to tell me everything back and to know exactly what i mean always. and no one does. and i sound like a fricking idiot(i am trying so hard not to cuss here. forgive me. it doesnt portray anything right without swearing. sorry. they havent come up with acceptable words for the way i am yet) right now. and i know ERXACTLY what youre reply to this will be and i KEEP WRITING even though i know ill hate myself more when i read your reply and its all 'sorry... :\". but it hurts worse when you dotn reply. that means you know who you are and what you wan to type or say or write and what you dont. well i dont have that choice because im so caught up in my own head that i dont even know how to control my own mind to my hand anymore.

lots more to say that would in fact be less cohesive than what i just wrote. "wow i didnt even think that was possible" she says

please please get me. sometime. somwhere. someone. none of this matters tomorrow. none of it matters right now. youre not getting any of this and i know that. i wish you would. i wish i could help you

prescribe me pills to help me shake this overdosed feeling. pshyche wards are overrated. i know that know. preach with conviction

i wish that meant something to you. i wish it looked like poetry to you. it means more to me than anyone knows and i beat myself up for it

apologies for this entire email. reply please. it makes me feel important

ps you can still see stars years and years after theyre dead. did you know that. it feels that way sometimes to me. feel it for me please. dont think im crazy please. this is what goes on in my head night after night. insane shit huh. i know it. even without the lack of sleep it wears you down. people like me should either be chronicled or crucified i believe"

lol yeah. x.X robin robin robin whatever shall i do with yourself. no ones answering there phone and tv sounds boring. except for buffy which i cant watch. this is so very loser

ive been posting way too much. i think im devouring its appeal

i love the world in winter when everyone else is asleep. people sleep different. and it feels different to know how fast they are sleeping while youre sitting awake writing about how dark it is, how quiet. how the earth turns different. woke to a rain of the kind that washington is very used to. still waiting for the rainstorm that americas never seen. either way it sends you shivers to wake up to rain for the first time in months. everyones quieter, as if they know their voices wont drown out the rain so whats the bother, save your breath. as if our thoughts cant dodge the raindrops so we can spare the naive thinking of day to day. your whole head is calmer. youre just about to suffocate in your own mind but youve accepted that. it feels like candles and spending all day looking out the window

in less boring news (to me at least), patrick stump is absolutely adorable. "Yesterday was my mom's birthday. So thanks, mom, for being born". ^.^ folie a deux is officially done in the recording studio, and the video for i dont care will be realeased soon hopefully. patrick kept saying how much he liked kanye wests "love lockdown", so naturally we were waiting for the cover. we heard it today in the background of an foe video. i like tricks better than kanyes, but what do i know.

this is us wishing we were you wishing you were us

"please, spare me. im drowning in the humility."

been reading more of petes old journals, lots of them from the bands trip to uganda for a video shoot. those entries are seriously incredible. and lately id been thinking very highly of my writing, then BAM im like. wow. i suck. "we can fake it for the airwaves. force our smiles, baby - half dead, from comparing myself to everyone else around me." also been really bad about the sleeping for a few days. wont be able to watch any buffy the vampire slayer for a week. hopefully ill either start sleeping better or find an outlet for my insomnia, because the internet and television have been failing me lately. i guess that leaves me with writing. which i do well and i do a lot, so i guess that would have been my first option wouldnt it

would you go back to the heartache if you could have your teenaged smile?

were all fighting for the seat with the best view of the end
and ill always be obsessed with the revolver in your hand
were all so terrified of growing up and growing old
and it isnt getting any better than this. not so much a fracture as a bruised ego


lie like you mean it, for gods sake. we both know im so ill the hospitals would be sick at the very sight of me. ive never known what bleeding on the floor felt like until now. sorry for the mess, thank you for the shoulder

ps because i dont think ive metioned this yet

ive wanted to be able to travel for a long time now. and i guess this must be my year, because im most likely going to san fransisco for spring break and paris, france over the summer. holy jesus. im so excited. and theres this kid with really sick old school headphones who ive never talked to but i want to, and hes going to paris too. as long as i can handle ms clingly for sixteen days, it should be more amazing than i could possibly imagine. at least, you know, thats what i imagine

not like it isnt for ten months or whatever, but when summer gets closer remember to wish me luck on the first day in europe. my french teacher says that the plane usually lands early, and you have to keep yourself awake till its dark there so your internal clock stays right. i know this sounds weird but i cant ever sleep anywhere (like trains, cars, planes, ect...) except for occasionally in my own bed unless i have a human pillow, so hopefully on the plane i sit to someone my age who has a really comfortable shoulder and no personal bubble. and who talks to me a lot so i dont get lonely. lol yeah thats so gonna happen right. and its gonna be a super tall guy whose like really adorable and plays varsity football. yes. thats it.

sleep now.

hey stranger

i really shouldnt be up this late so ima use all mah mad skills to type all quiet. and be gangsta.

i am super tired right now. and im pretty sure either someone has to pee or they heard me typing because those sound strikingly similar to footsteps. damn. mah mad skills werent mad enough. huh. quieter now. ah well shall we continue. my cat has tried climbing on my lap like seventeen times now and i keep setting her back down and then she does it again x.X ...

i was distracted a second ago with this whole boardie thread about posting your crush stories. it was seriously depressing. all of them had such cute stuff and all the guys sounded so sweet. like why does this happen to other people. oh and it totally didnt help that like two days ago this guy that i [had?] been best friends with since sixth grade and only started seriously liking toward the middle of eighth grade and who i havent talked to in three months was sitting like ten feet in front of me for almost an hour at a freshman football game. and i am so super gutless i didnt even talk to him. and then he got up to leave and i was like hey. no. you arent allowed to leave because im not done telling myself over and over again to go and sit by you while i stare at the back of your head. then i went home and sat on my bed and i was a little weirded out but feeling okay in general then all of a sudden out of nowhere i just start crying like crazy. twas very bad. and i must [have?] like[d?] him a lot because im so not the type of person who gets nervous around guys. i am so effing lame.
i dont even think my bf (who was part of the reason i didnt go talk to him) knew he was there. cause she kept looking at me, me totally not watching the game obviously, like what the heck are you looking at freak. im like lol. robin = distracted much.

and then as if that werent shitty enough, today i got a whole crapload of badness for lunch. theres been this whole thing going on with someone who used to be my friend, and then started acting like nothing happened, and then today it all just blew up. i was like on the verge of puking and hitting someone in the face in very equal amounts sitting in the corner of a locker room bathroom for like ten minutes at the end of the lunch hour. and all the soccer kids were like holy cow what the heck is she doing. o.0 . i am soooo way overdosing on drama lately. they really should take those pills away from people my age. but im definantly not interested in a repeat on monday, so i is probably going to hang with chase for the rest of my life. i love the rest of my friends and all, but they still hang out with the source of all this, which is fine and everything, but i am not spending time around her anymore. sorry for the immaturedom. but i cant do that again. its like im a year younger and a lifetime smarter than every fucking girl in my class

so what else can i rant and be all negative about. i think thats about it. not that this itself isnt enough to fill up my brain for a few weeks.

piglet: "pooh?"
pooh: "yes, piglet?"
piglet: "oh nothing, i just wanted to be sure of you"

second star to the right

its that consequence on my tongue, "guilty conscience" thing

i woke up this morning to the lonely pillow beside me and said that this town was gonna sleep here tonight
nothing makes my day like knowing youll never be okay
but im not entirely alright
and i cant imagine you wanting it any other way

tonight is nothing more than the way you lost yourself on the wrong side of never. youre hiding behind it again. youre taking pictures for everyone to see the clever way you cover yourself up. fix it with a drug. fix it in your mind and close your eyes tight to keep it from coming out.

"put your hand between an aching head and an aching world. well make them so jealous. well make them hate us."

our computer is back, as well as the ancient keyboard that makes more noise than a jackhammer. i guess surfing the internet and posting my random thoughts here when i cant sleep is out of the question. that means back to using the regular journal, you know the one filled with overlapping poems and bad handwriting from scrawling in the dark. ill try to make them legible enough that i can post them here the next day. "its gotten crazy for the first time in a long time"

my sister coined the phrase "nonsensical poetry" about three seconds ago. i think that says a lot about the way i write when [i am alone in this bed house and head].

never mind the way i dont care what you have say
shove it in your back pocket because we both know how it feels
cant you tell me aything without that disaster relief tone of voice
you cant hide anything love. nothings more than truth or less than you
even with your shirt on, your heart is bare

whoops

i just realized i totally posted on september eleventh and didnt say anything. sorry world. i wish i felt more strongly about it, but i was like seven when it happened so it didnt mean all that much to me when it happened. like obviously i feel bad about it and respect those families and everything, but... you know.

theyre calling for extras in a new fall out boy video(i dont care) as of yesterday.
(((edit... lol. i just realized how petty i sounded just then with my change of subject... ha ha)))
first five hundred. not that i would probably be allowed to fly to LA on a random date anyway, but in my best judgement five hundred people have probably already sent in. but that would be sooooooooooooooooooo amazing you cant even fathom it.

i dont really have much else to say except that folie a deux is gutting me like a pumpkin and carving a smile on my face. pete keeps giving us tiny little snippets of amazingness, such as that brendon urie and gabe saporta have both been in the studio to sing on the record. and that theres growling involved. that made me very happy. mr peter is probably the best screamer in the history of forever, and that honestly isnt even my biased-ness talking.

got a panic at the disco poster for my room, to go with the fob rolling stone cover and the hoards of random doodle-esque pieces of paper taped all over the place.

you tell him every day hes perfect. i have one objection
with every word you say he wanders further from perfection

second star to the right. always

music and school and sun and insomnia

these are a few of the things that i somehow cant seem to escape. love them or hate them theyre there, you know

anyway. am i getting more boring or are people getting less interested. or more lazy. because it seems no one bothers to comment on this thing anymore. not that im deeply scarred or whatever, but it was sort of fun to feel like i was writing these with some sort of purpose. and reading comments entertains me. so comment damnit

i am extremely extremely muchly hoping that i get to see panic at the disco(again) AND the cab live next month. not that ive ever played rock band in my entire life (rock band live tour) but who cares right. and dashboard confessional, who i like, but am not super duper excited about. i am entirely in love with the cab and obviously panic, tho. so hopefully that happens for me.

also hopefully for me... hopefully something noteworthy and guy related happens soon. i absolutely hate liking someone for certain reason, such as feeling slightly pathetic, but at the same time once you stop liking someone all the fun is taken out of waking up at five am. lol not that there was really much fun to begin with, but it just gives more meaning to going to school. and i mean im having fun anyway but i miss the drama. it detracts from the monotony

in geography class today i descovered i get bored more easily than almost anyone on the planet. the teacher was giving us the answers to a quiz wed just taken so that we could correct it ourselves for studying, and like two seconds in im not joking i completely forgot she was talking and started drawing a moon on puppet strings and bordering my paper with crazy insane stuff. and then everyone started packing up and im like "...crap."

theres things that i have done you never, should ever know

second star to the right. always

scope it

new fall out boy single, "i dont care" -

http://www.falloutboyrock.com/falloutboy/blog_detail.php?uf_item_id=1-106092&uf_system_id=1

..."say my name, and his in the same breath, i dare you to say they taste the same"

<3<3<3

total freshy

first week of high school went faaaast. and it was way too amazing. lots i want to tell but not sure ill get to it all. ill try.

first day was fun in a confused-but-not-the-only-one kind of way. me and j-leno were pretty much inseperable the whole day. neither of us had any idea where we were going and we just kept cracking up laughing at ourselves. im glad hes at prairie with me. ive known that kid since second grade and hes way cool. also found out chase is accually going to prairie. he said hed be going to bg. what a liar. but i forgive him. he walked with me to my bus and we talked which was cool cause i hadnt had a lot of time for that the whole day.

second day went pretty normal-ish. chase was too busy reading harry potter(hes such a trekki) to walk with me again, but i had fun anyway.

third day was a pep-rally and a dance. THAT was amazing. the pep rally was kinda corny in a fun way, but hey whatdya expect. my sis and neighbor both went to the dance, but none of my other friends were there. it wasnt really a huge bummer tho. im good at making friends. i danced with alone in the thick of the crowd for a while but by the end i found a few guys to dance with. [...note to sister: if youre reading this right now and laughing... i will kill you]

yesterday was also fun. i got some more info on possibly going to paris with my french class this summer (:o) thatll be super epic. im pretty darn excited. i officially know like 14 franch words now. woo hoo.

so thats basically it. again with the waking up at five in the morning, the almost-falling asleep while my science teacher rambles about corn, and all that. i am most definantly going to have fun this year.

ps vitamin string qaurtet's cover of time to dance by patd is breathtaking
you know i had to say something about music

second start to the right. always

wont talk long

"please dont go. i need you"
sorry. i must sleep a tad bit tonight though. tomorrow i have school. that sounds right in my head but feels wrong in my body which is at this moment particularly aching for rest. sorry body. my brain disagrees.
funny the things you remember from summer. one scene sticks out in my head for some reason. maybe because it sort of sumerizes these past two months for me. i remember sitting on the chipping-red-paint rail of the bridge down past our house over the little creek, in my cutoff jeans, swinging my feet and listening to "sitting waiting wishing" by jack johnson thinking about where i am and what i want in terms of how far from making sense of anything i am.
no that was not a clever connotation of what i was thinking based on the song. it accually happened that way. or maybe the song subconsciously put those thoughts in my head.
or maybe its four in the morning and our smoke detector needs a new battery. maybe my head needs a new battery. maybe i wish i had something to tell people about my summer. maybe i have no idea what im saying or why right now. maybe i should stop.
maybe this means more to you than i could ever possibly imagine. and maybe no one cares as much as wed like to believe they do

second star to the right. always

happy birthday ryan ross

and happy yester-birthday mj. you rule. even if your face is wack and you should be black

haha

ps

no amount of you will ever make me okay. no amount of oxygen will ever make it easier to breathe. no amount of smiles will ever make me see through you. and none of it changes the fact that half of me could not spend the next five hours without you

please steal my heart and then give it away

I KISSED A BOY JUST TO START SHIT! BITCHES LOVED IT! cobralicious baby

oh my geez. laughing myself silly. more on that later

for starts... today was a good day. fall out boy not only announced their new album, but also gave us a decaydence mixtape, including fob, patd, cobra starship, the cab, the academy is, and gch.

the new album drops on november fourth internationally. its titled "folie a deux", which is french, and translates to "madness of two". folie a deux is a rare psychiatric syndrome in which a symptom of paranoid or delusional belief is transmitted from one individual to another. (nuh uh i so did not copy that from wikipedia you stupid head)

the mixtape is amazing. fall out boy provided us a list of twenty+ free songs for download off of friendsorenemies.com as a reward for playing along with their whole "citizens for our betterment" insanity. my personal favorite after a few of the fall out boy songs obviously would have to be "i kissed a boy" by cobra starship. i laughed so hard the first time i heard it. its an obvious play of off katy perry, and its hilarious. i also really like "bounce, bounce", "almost witches", "lake effect kid", and "catch me if you can". go to youtube and search "fall out boy mixtape" and you should find most of these and a few more. sorry im too lazy to post them.

i think ill probably go watch lord of the rings now. my moms boyfriends cat is eating a featherduster and my hair smells fruitier than normal. huh.

ps went shopping yesterday. got lots of amazing tops, purple skinny jeans, grey-and-black checkered skinny jeans, and a rocking pair of shoes. except for the supply shopping part im pretty much ready to hit that school

pss here are a few cat-related quotes so you can share in the oddness of the big white thing thats attacking everything in sight right now. his name is spud

"one time i fell in love with a cat. then i realized it wasnt a human being. it was not as romantic as we thought." - pete wentz (you knew id find one

"im chat(4ev ago):

me - i keep forgetting i got a new fish
me - i fed it some cat food
friend - why the heck would you feed a fish cat food?!?
me -it was probably hungry"

baha i am so strange. that fish died by the way

second star to the right. always

nothing new

and yet im posting. probably because im bored. good enough reason? i believe so.

did a lot of singing yesterday. accually thats all i did. funny how that can accually keep me entertained for like seven hours. and it did. flawlessly. i didnt even eat anything except for once before noon and once at eight thirty. music distracts me. when im thinking things and talking and whatnot i dont really get to appreciate a song as much as i do when its ridiculously loud in my ears at night.
"inside your headphones the outside world doesnt matter" - peter wentz
thats why i always try to listen to a song for the first time either when im alone or in my headphones. but it also applies to songs ive listened to countless times. it happened with "the patron saint of liars ad fakes" this morning. i listened to it yesterday and, you know, was happy because obviously i like it, but i was thinking and singing and being conscious. this morning i wasnt thinking. i was just existing and feeling. and when the first chord of that song came on my stomach absolutely turned. in the best possible way. it still amazes me what certain songs can do to me.

found this piece called "a poets advice" by e.e. cummings. i personally liked it alot:

"A real human is somebody who feels and who expresses his or her feelings. This may sound easy. It isn’t.
A lot of people think or believe or know what they feel—-but that’s thinking or believing or knowing: not feeling. And being real is feeling—-not just knowing or believing or thinking.
Almost anybody can learn to think or believe or know, but it’s very difficult to learn to feel. Why? Because whenever you think or you believe or you know, you’re a lot of other people: but the moment you feel, you’re nobody - but - yourself.
To be nobody - but -yourself— in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else—means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting.
As for communicating nobody-but-yourself to others, that means working just a little harder than anybody who isn’t real can possibly imagine. Why?
Because nothing is quite as easy as just being just like somebody else. We all of us do exactly this nearly all of the time—and whenever we do it, we are not real.
If, at the end of your first ten or fifteen years of fighting and working and feeling, you find you’ve loved just once with a nobody-but-yourself heart, you”ll be very lucky indeed.
And so my advice to all young people who wish to become real is: do something easy, like dreaming of freedom—unless you’re ready to commit yourself to feel and work and fight till you die."

last nights attempt to waste a few hours by coming up with a concept that i could write about and accually form a decent amount(like, more than one paragraph) of lyrics about kind of failed. i did manage another pointless snippet of poetry that has nowhere further to go though...
"dont you think your sky
is so much better than mine
the stars above your head
brighter just before they die"

if i had enough musical knowledge to write the music to a song, i have a feeling it would probably have a sort of panic at the disco/metro station/forever the sickest kids kind of feel to it. im a pretty big fan of the techo-esque sound, with really funky keyboard parts and stuff. im an even bigger fan of songs that can continue to be catchy and dance-able, while there lyrics are deep and occasionally cynical. panic and fall out boy are seriously accomplished at that. fob being a little less dance-able than panic but still with appealing beats and the best lyrics ive ever heard.

anywho... im going to see the broadway production of phantom of the opera tonight at keller auditorium. i think i spelled that wrong. oh well. i havent been in school for two months. opera should be fun. my dress isnt very opera-ish(black with big pink-and-grey absracty polka dots) but i love it. itll probably also be my homecoming dress. freshman this fall... only two more weeks x.X

be seeing you. second star to the right

"sleepless. lightless. loveless."

wow. how to catch the world up on my life over the course of two months in just one post. at one in the morning. not sure im going to accomplish it. but ill try.

more sleeplessness and lightlessness, as aforementioned in a very fitting quote of my very favorite man. always loveless, so thats not really a shocker(also: i apologize in advance for spelling mistakes; its late/early and this keyboard sucks). come to think of it, the other two arent shockers either. i never sleep. if i can get in five hours in a night, ive done my fair share of work. it takes so much effort for me to just shut off my brain and tell it to sleep for even long enough to survive one night. thats part of the reason i stay up so late. trying to fall asleep is miserable and fustrating.

recently the situation got even worse via some kind of dramatic tantrum thrown by a (former?)friend who is seriously bugging the crap out of me. im not sure its worth trying anymore after the changes ive given her to mature. so you know, props to her for giving me one more reason to not be able to sleep. that especially sucks when she upsets you deeply before a weekend of five am mornings. i hate my head. and my stomach. im a pretty laid back person, like i dont take things seriously when it isnt called for, but when something does hit me, it hits me hard. like, sick to my stomach and throwing up(lol same thing)kind of hard.

i normally rant like this in an email to my bf. but i thought id spare her this time and just tell it to my buddies that i dont really know on the internet. shoutout to the internet-aquiantences(ummm spell check anyone... once again - one in the morning). perhaps you all will be getting more early-morning moody insomniac posts in the future. hurrah for you.

oh, quick update on my musically-delicious world: i am now the proud owner of take this to your grave and from under the cork tree, eff oh bee style. mwahahaha. i also aqcuired a pretty sick rolling-stone-cover fob poster. thanks sister. (huh... i wonder how all of my birthday presents ended up being fall out boy related... strange)

speaking of....... been spending lots of time delving into the wonders of the web and searching for fall out boy interviews and looking at nearly all 304 pictures and poems pete has posted on his friendsorenemies.com account. i figure if everyone already knows i have a problem, what have i got to lose. its not like i tape them to my mirror and pray to them. i just think peter wentz has one of the most fascinating ad talented minds ive ever had the privelage to even get a small taste of. so there. thats what i have to say about that.

speaking of.......(poems this time), i guess i might share a few of my recent niblets, and/or favorite completed poems with the world. these are mostly old but im pretty sure ive never posted them:

(ha ha i just tried to be quiet walking into my bedroom and i totally ran into my door and tripped over everything possible...anyway...)

need to be put somewhere but dont have a home yet:
"kicking and screaming to be the one that you want
youre the one that i need"

"and the world tastes better than it ever did before"

"im only me when im where youve kept me, youre only you when the bottles empty"

i cant wait to get my hands on your chest so i can tear out your tortured heart"

finished or slightly finished:
"and i know where your heads at
somewhere glamorous, gleaming
to fake sanity
to pretend like you cant hear me screaming
but i know where your heads at
and i know its your bed that
shes in, but you cant hear her breathing
through your pounding head
because you swear that she said
'it doesnt matter'"

"youre kissing mirrors
and leaving yourself
with bleeding lips and broken glass
when all you have to show
are these stains and scars
for your efforts
in finding that something,
follow the breadcrumbs my love"

"yes this is your first warning
are you sure theres time for another
are you prepared if its your last
is that the clock ticking
or is it just the desultory beating
of your heart
the hands of that clock
sliding fown your neck
the taste of that stain
intimately close to your tongue
the clock ticking
your heart slipping
without invitation
from your masterfully crafted smile
are you able to scream
are you able to scream"

alrighty so thats that. not sure what else is important at the moment. thunderstorm outside. as aweful as it sounds, i was aching for the sound of rain. it feels good inside just to hear it. i hope its raining when i wake up. i love waking up to rain above my head. i loathe waking up early though, so im in a bit of a sitch with that one. i wish human bodies didnt need sleep. i would appreciate that.

this will probably sound stupid. and cliche. and unrealistic. but how cool would it be to be in a band. i am a total music junkie. and i love to sing, but i dont know how to play anything nor do i really have a striking desire to learn. and id probably look like an ass if i was in a band and all i did was sing and write lyrics... but you know. it still sounds extremely fun to me. its something ive been thinking more about lately. i have for most of my life had no idea what profession i wanted to go into it. and honestly, right now, studying music appeals the most to me. but im entirely aware that i probably would not be supported in that endeavor, considering it isnt a stable career and there are no guarantees it will pay off at all. but god i wish it were. i would be there faster than you can imagine.

heres to hoping i meet a handful of talented musicians who are also great people and interested in forming a high school band and in need of a female singer.

yeah. high hopes, right.
.
.
.

be seeing you. second star to the right. always.

I haven't written anything in like two weeks

... whoops. I guess nothing really exciting has been happening. Shows how awesomely busy my summers are, right? Pretty much going to friends' houses and concerts are the only things I'll be doing for the next seven weeks. Speaking of... it's very possible that I might be going on Vans Warped in August, which would be so sick! And I'd like to be BLG too, but I don't think I'll make that one. Going to the beach with a friend in a few days, but you know, it's the Pacific Northwest, so it'll probably be windy and suckish. I've been reading interviews and articles and FOE journals all day (geez robin stop being so overwhelmingly active) and, although he watered it down a little by informing us that he usually says things like this and then they end up screwing it up and taking more time than planned, Pete was qouted in one interview as saying that the band is trying to get the new Fall Out Boy album in stored before the end of the year. Can you say OH! EM! GEE! Yeah I know I must sound like such a twelve-year-old fan girl right now... but who really cares. If music if life then Fall Out Boy is living. Which is ironic considering I'll probably die the day the new album comes out. Then I'll listen to it and be more alive then I was before I died. Ha. Ha ha. I'm an odd person.

Graduated

yup, I am now officially a ninth grader. I don't think I'll say much else or I might start crying because I'm kind of a messed up piece of crap right now, but... you know. tons of people going to a different high school than me, and one of my best friends whose going to BGHS didnt even show up to school today so I didnt get to have him sign my yearbook and I didnt get to say goodbye. I know that sounds sappy and lame, but as I said... I'm pretty messed up. everyone will probably say "you should be happy! you're finally moving on to high school" but I'm a very emotional person and the thought of not seeing a lot of my best friends (well, my five BEST friends are going to the same HS as me but the rest of my not-as-close but still best friends friends) anymore is enough to send me over the edge. I'll be excited for ninth grade after I get over the shock and realize that these people havent left the earth and I can still see them after school and talk to them on the phone and everything, but for now I feel sick and I need to be sad and I dont think people understand that for the most part, because they always get mad when you cry like its wrong or bad or something. sorry for the very boring, repetitive, obsolete post. I'm not a very entertaining person when I'm upset.

Panic! At the Disco in Portland... yes this post is very late

Sorry for just getting this up... I'm very busy with school(speaking of I should be doing math homework) and graduation and an upcoming horse show, so...

Panic! concert was C-R-A-Z-Y, crazy! I accually had a few bruises on my legs on Monday from the bajillions of bodies shoving me against things. It was hella fun, though! Five hours on concrete in Converse sure hurts your feet afterwards but I wasn't really paying attention to that after Ryan Ross came out to play a song with the first opening band, Phantom Plantet. I freaked even worse when Brendon came out during The Hush Sound. I don't know the names of any of the songs that the warm-ups played, but Panic played (all that I remember, at least... not particularly in the correct order):

1- We're So Starving
2- Nine In The Afternoon
3- But It's Better If You Do
4- {didn't recognize this one}
5- That Green Gentlemen
6- The Only Difference Between Martyrdom and Suicide is Press Coverage
7- I Write Sins Not Tragedies
8- Lying Is the Most Fun a Girl Can Have Without Taking Off Her Clothes
9- Time to Dance(acoustic)
10- Mad as Rabbits
101 Northern Downpour

I was scary close to the barrier at one point... and I swear to god it was like three hundred degrees in that little warehouse thing...

So as I said, I had a blast! I really hope Panic! does another show near us sometime, because they were insanely good.

Sorry for short, not-very-detailed post, but I'll probably die tomorrow if I procrastinate on my geometry homework one more night...

ONE EFFING DAY, BABY!

Sorry. I'm more excited than I should be but I am anyway. OMG I don't even have a freaking outfit to wear yet... going shopping tomorrow. HT, get your game face on 'cause I need red and gold, NOW. I wonder if they sell gold eyeshadow... and if I did that I'd need red eyeliner, or I could do it the other way around but gold eyeliner wouldn't really show up very well... and how am I supposed to straighten my hair if I have to go shopping and then go to my mom's BF's house to change in his bathroom and then get to the concert and still look presentable enough to not really be seen but still in the presence of Brendon Urie? LOL, the memories from getting ready for my last concert...

I walk in to my sister's bathroom, where she and our neighbor are getting ready, with my hair half done and no makeup on and no shoes and only like twenty minutes until we have to leave, and this is all I have to say:

"God did not give us enough time to prepare to be in the same room as Gerard Way" - rockin_robin

Atleast this time it's on a weekend so I don't have to scramble after getting home from school. But still. Jesus Christ I really hope my first Fall Out Boy concert (no, I haven't seen them live yet... it kills me inside, too) is over summer vacation or AT LEAST a weekend, because I would probably hyperventilate to the point of near death if I only had two hours after school to get ready to be in the same room as those four boys. I mean I would probably die once I got there and saw them anway, but might as well make it to the venue, at least, right?

And, on a completely random and unrelated note: My history teacher hates me. We were/are learning about D-Day and the Spanish American war and all that, so one day he's giving us notes to copy off of the overhead, and he talks about what the notes say when he does that, and all he can say I swear to God is..."the ARMS RACE between America and Eurasia"..."as a result of the ARMS RACE"..."we started making more weapons to compete in the ARMS RACE against Russia"... OH. MY. GOD. I thought I was gonna go into a seizure. I must've been twitching and foaming at the mouth the entire hour...

Yeah, it's that bad.

Mwhahahahaha!

I know these must be terribly boring for you all, but...

!SIX DAYS!

And also: Club Penguin is hilariously fun. My friend had me make a penguin when I was at her house (just something stupid to do while we were bored) and now I love going on there and being retarded. I'll just start singing in the streets and randomly talking to people and fishing and night-clubbing with all the other purple and green and hot pink penguins. It's da bomb!

Countdowns are just too fun...

!ELEVEN DAYS!

lol it looks like one of those spanish sentences where instead of having the question mark at the end of the question it's in the front and the one at the end is upside down except I can't make an upsidedown exclamation point... darn

yes that really is all I have to say

bye

sorry for being random

ha ha not really

I love being random

squirell

P-A-N-I-C with an exclamation point!!!(or three)

I officially have two tickets in the mail for Panic at the Disco 5/27/08 at the Portland Metropolitan Exposition Center. GAHH! I really hope they play a significant amount of songs from A Fever You Can't Sweat Out, though, to be honest. I'm not a huge fan of Pretty.Odd. It's okay, but... I don't know. Just okay. I'm probably going to be one of the only people there headbanging and mini-moshing, but I'll make it work. From what I've heard of the other three bands, the concert might have a little bit of a folky-hippie sound. That's okay, I'll rock out anyway. "The Only Difference Between Martyrdom and Suicide is Press Coverage" is extremely fun to dance to, so I hope they play that one... Garh I hope I get somewhere close to up front this time... I mean I was fairly close at the MCR concert but I've never been up front. That would be totally tight... Anyway, done wishing, now I'll wait... TWELVE DAYS.

Tick, tick, tick...

Thank the lord for iTunes gift cards!

AHHHH! Fifteen dollars... I should probably spend it wisely. Accually I've had it for like two seconds and I've already bought:

A) Champagne for My Real Friends, Real Pain for My Sham Friends - Fall Out Boy
B) Given Up - Linkin Park
C) Falling Down - Atreyu
D) My Heart Is the Worst Kind of Weapon(demo) - Fall Out Boy

Mwhahahahahahahaha! Sorry to waste your time with this I'm just very excited to finally not be broke.

I have absolutely nothing to do...

Garh. I am currently and will be home alone all day. It's a four day weekend, it's only Friday, and I just got finished watching **** Live in Phoenix for the fifth time and I think I might go downstairs and watch a couple reruns of Ghost Whisperer and eat ice cream. Wow, I don't feel lame at all. Bleck. Nothing. To. Do. Mmmmm, I can't remember his name but some guy from Ashes Divide is talking about Projekt Revolution '08 on The Sauce right now. Has anyone but me noticed that FUSE absolutely loves My Chemical Romance? Like, in their new commercial they're playing the opening piano thingy to Welcome to the Black Parade, and I've been watching The Sauce for like fifteen minutes and I've already seen at least four random clips of MCR videos in those little commercially "music saves your life" dealios they play all the time. And they were advertising Loaded, like listing off all the bands they've featured on that show, and it's like "Rihanna, Kanye, blah blah blah, and My Chemical Romance!" I'm like, jesus, favoriting much? And does anyone else think that "Handlebars" song that's number one on the rock countdown right now totally came out of nowhere? Like the rest of the list is pretty much the same exept moved down one slot, so I expected Seether to be number one again, and then all of a sudden BAM! there's this random song by this random band of which both I'be never heard or heard of. And what's with Death Cab for Cutie beating Linkin Park? They just came out with "Given Up", which is amazing, and it's behind "I Will Posses Your Heart", which is monotonous and bleh? I mean, come on people. I think Atreyu's "Falling Down" is behind DCFC too, which is also gross. If I wasn't poor I would buy those songs (minus DFCT... you know, the Linkin Park and Atreyu ones). Buy sadly I only have fifty-six cense(blonde moment... how do you spell that?) and the first dollar is going to "Champagne for my Real Friends, Real Pain for my Sham Friends", because it's amazing and I don't have it and once I do all three albums will be complete... Mwahahahaha.

GROSS! "Lollipop" is on. Lil' Wayne needs to go die. Die, man, die! Sorry. I'm slightly bored. Ha ha... just a minute ago was the video for "4 Minutes". LOL, JT looks like a freak and Madonna is hardly wearing any clothes. What has become of music today... I'm trying to put a timer-recorder on the episodes of Loaded for Fall Out Boy, Panic!, and My Chem, but I'm not sure I did it right and if they don't record I know I'll forget they're on and won't get to watch them. Crapsicles. Sigh. Oh well...

Off to raid the fridge and watch mindless telivision...

TTFN

... (I'm bad at titles too?)

I think I'm bad at this blogging thing >.<

I don't have a clue how long I've had this account thingy but I only have ten posts. Hmmmm... that isn't very many. Well, anyway, I guess this makes eleven. I'm just posting to give the world a taste of my not-very-impressive poetry. I write a lot, but mostly on scratch papers which I end up losing, so this is the only one I currently still have... and in accordance with the title of this post it is title-less:

You say you love me and your face doesn’t belie the words as I would expect
I wonder and admire how you can misrepresent yourself that way in placidity
You say you’re telling me the truth and my words reject my thoughts as they catch on my aching throat
I wonder why your contradictions sound melodic
You say you’ll chase my fears away and you look like you can’t remember which expression you’ve been calmly straining to preserve
I wonder what the point would be when I’m only afraid of the cast of your eyes as I feel for the doorknob in the dark
You tell me to trust you and that you want what’s best for me
I wonder why I crave the malice on your tongue
You tell me you can heal my pain and the blood in my veins viciously pleads for your warm hand around my wrist
I wonder why your threateningly slow breath feels curative
You tell me that I’ll die without you and I can’t help but think you’ve already killed me
As you walk away I wonder if having died once of homicide justifies staring down the barrel of a gun every time I blink my eyes

Favorite songs of the week:

Not sure why I'm posting this. It'll mostly consist of (surprise!) My Chem and Fall Out Boy, so there's not much mystery in it, but whatever... here's my top ten for this week... I probably shouldn't say that, actually... it'll most likely change tomorrow X.x I have constantly-revolving favorite songs lists. Anyway, here's today's top ten, in no particular order.

1) I Never Told You What I Do For a Living - My Chemical Romance

This is totally random, but I'm absolutely in love with the way Gerard says "I'm so dirty, babe". It completely sold the song for me. And the "They gave us two shots to the back of the head" part. That line is rocking awesome too.




2) I Slept With Someone in Fall Out Boy and All I Got Was This Stupid Song Written About Me - Fall Out Boy

"So progress report: I aint missing you to death" = a billion hearts from me. Pete screaming = twenty-hundred billion, but you know... That's to be expected. I absolutely love this song. Perfection.



3) Lying Is the Most Fun a Girl Can Have Without Taking Off Her Clothes - Panic at the Disco

This song totally owns my bright orange sweatpants. Period. That's how amazing it is. And the music video is probably the tightest thing you've ever seen since Pete's hair in "Beat It".



4) Cemetery Drive - My Chemical Romance

I don't even know what to say about this song. "And they found you on the bathroom floor" is probably one of the lines that affects me the most. Oh, and "It isn't that much fun staring down a loaded gun" is an absolutely amazing line. This song makes my stomach sink. In a good way. I just love it.



5)The Music or the Misery - Fall Out Boy

"We're high fashion, we're last chances"..."I'm every cliche, but I simply to it best"..."I'm casually obsessed"..."I got your love letters, corrected the grammar, and sent them back"..."It's true romance is dead, I shot in the chest then in the head"... 'nough said? The closing verse is better than sliced bread, too. "I went to bed a poet, and woke up a fraud".



6) The Patron Saint of Liars and Fakes - Fall Out Boy

Okay, simply the fact that Patrick can sing like that at only nineteen or twenty is impressive itself. Other than that, this song makes my heart rate accelerate to a dangerous speed, for numerous reasons. Especially "But I still know the way to make your makeup run..." This song is uber sexy.



7) Shimmy Shimmy Quarter Turn - Hellogoodbye

I LOVE this song. I've pretty much said that about every song on this list. Obviously... it's my top ten. Anyway, just listen and enjoy. Fave line = "How can I check lost and found when I'm too busy getting down". It's a very danceable song...
P.S. sorry about the annoying lyrics on the video. Couldn't find one that wasn't weird/and or bad quality, so just ignore the words.



8) Send My Love to the Dance Floor I'll See You in Hell - Cobra Starship

This song is also very danceable. I have a really hard time sitting still during this song. It's terribly catchy and very Cobralicious. Ha ha. Not quite amazing enough to be FOBulous but Cobralicious is cool too... I love making up geeky word-phrases...P.S. same as above with the lyrics.



9) The Diary of Jane - Breaking Benjamin

This song is so trippy. Which is good. Trippy's good. Their lead singer totally has something going for him when he sings "Do you like that?!?" S-E-X-Y. Sorry ^.^. I've never even seen the guy (nor do I know a thing about the band) but I love that line. If I were not-lazy enough to put this list in order of likedness, this one would definatly be higher up there. I'm pretty dern infatuated with it. And just for my awesomely challenged sister, I'll use a big word: It's pulchritudinous.



10) Calm Before the Storm - Fall Out Boy

Love it love it love it love it love it. I always have one favorite FOB song for a short period of time until I find another one to replay over and over again (excluding Dance, Dance. That song will forever hold a special place in my heart for making me sick in the head with love for the best band ever to sing songs that could only catch the ear of the desperate in a Chicago basement... sorry again...). So this is probably my fave Fall Out Boy song right now. It took a while for me to really appreciate it, so I suggest listening to it a few times, but I know probably no one will, so... just keep in mind that I warned you... <3 "What you do in your own time's just fine, my imagination's much worse. I just never wanna know what meant the world imploded, inflated then demoted." Pete takes being a drop-dead shockingly talented and beautiful lyricist to a whole new level in this song. <3

It's been a while...

I haven't posted anything in like, forever. Sorry to anyone who this might have disappointed. And to those who are expecting this post to make up for it, you are probably also going to be disappointed. Because I'm most likely just going to rant about things that have been said a million times over.

.
.
.

Labels. I've never liked them, but now they are seriously pissing me off. Not that all of them aren't bad, but emo is especially one that is getting under my skin. Ninety percent of everybody who ever uses that stupid word doesn't even know what it means, and the other ten percent use it in such a way that isn't even deserving of having a definition. Emo's not a style, it's a way for people who are insecure about abnormalities to keep from having to meet people who aren't clones of themselves in respect of superficial, material things and appearances. It's shallow and iniquitous. I swear, myself alone, I've been called emo at least twelve times this week which ticks me off more than you can even imagine because the people who say it are obviously unenlightened to anything sensible and right. I am the farthest from emotional (in the negative, highly exaggerated respect of which "emo" is mostly based) you can possibly find, and the way I dress is definantly not hardcore enough to fit into that category, but everyone in my grade is so afraid of anyone who wears a black choker that they resort to name-calling and shunning-from-the-lunch-table like third graders. It's absolutely nothing short of infuriating. Just today some girl in my history class starts saying how she doesn't understand "emo people" and she hates the "emo table" and she thinks we should all just stop trying to be unique and just give in to the wonderful trend of paying $40 extra dollars for a t-shirt so that you can advertise Hollister's company for them. And smell like crap. Hollister smells, no joke... I hate walking past it in the mall. Anyway, my history teacher was asking where all the scissors went, and he's kind of a geek so he asks if we're tearing them apart and selling the metal on Ebay, and the same girl goes "Yeah, we're taking apart the two halves and selling them as knives so the emo kids can cut themselves." These people are seriously bothering me on a deep level. Like, honestly, anyone who calls anyone else emo lately I feel like punching. Hard. Like this one kid in my language arts class who can't get over himself. One day I said that a certain substitute didn't like me very much, and he goes "Maybe because he thinks you go off and cut yourself". He's a jerk and everyone I know can't stand him but he keeps sitting with us in class. It's not making me a very happen person. Oh and also, a sub in my science class even singled "emos" out the other day. She obviously had no clue what it meant, because she said something like "You guys act so innocent on the outside, but on the inside you're this boiling cauldron of bad behavior... like an emo." What the frick? I just sat there with my mouth hanging open for like ten minutes. Modern 14-year old society is seriously twisted in the head about labeling. Calling someone emo doesn't, and shouldn't, make you more popular. Telling your friends that the kid who wears a black sweatshirt periodically tries to commit suicide isn't, and shouldn't be, funny. And although I feel the most strongly about the "emo" thing, it goes the other way to. I get pretty pissed when the kids at my school who follow a specific trend striving to be labeled a goth or an emo call other people preps or whatever. It doesn't make you cool to shop at Hot Topic and make fun of the "popular people".

Pretty much I'm just sick of people trying to fit in. If you wear black hoodies and studded belts and Converse, and listen to Taking Back Sunday and The Used and Linkin Park because it's what you like, great. I like that stuff too. If you wear Hollister tees and listen to Chris Brown and Leona Lewis strictly because it's what makes you happy, then I don't necassarily agree with you, but I don't have a problem with you either. I start having a problem with you when you wear clothes because your peers think it's cool, and when you listen to music because it's number one on iTunes, and when you make fun of the people who don't follow the exact same regime of follow-the-leader and inexistant identity. That's what bothers me.

Stop fitting in. Just stop. And stop telling people they're supposed to fit in or else they're bad people.

Tagged

Alrighty. A fellow blogger and very cool person recently tagged me. So apparenly I am now expected to post five weird things about myself. That should be easy enough. Only thing is, I have nobody to tag. The only two people who I know with blogs are already on the list of tagees. So I'll just tell you all about how odd I am and try to find someone to tag later. I'll try not to make them lame. Or scare anybody away.

1. I have at least (I'm not sure I've found them all) four scars from falling down from the second to the highest step on my wooden staircase with a glass mug in my hand.
2. I named my iPod "Minty". Yeah. And it's a "he".
3. I go insane on Mountain Dew. I know it's just caffiene, like in a lot of other stuff I drink, but for some reason Mountain Dew just takes it to a whole 'nother level. People are afraid to be around me when I've had that stuff.
4. I quote Patrick Star as part of a daily routine. "Life is just a big bowl of fancy assorted cashews". True that. Oh, and I also occasionally skip around the house singing "I had four biscuits, then I ate one... now I only have three!"
5. When I was little I saved a Cheeto which I thought looked like a horse's head. I stuffed it in the back of my closet and found it like three years later. (I saved this one for last so people didn't "X" out of the window right away ;). )

P.S. Just thought this was kind of ironically funny in a stupid way. I was just listening to the song Shimmy Shimmy Quarter Turn by Hellogoodbye, and now it's on Fine Again by Seether. Ha ha. I dunno if anyone'll know what both of those are, but the difference between them was slightly entertaining.

Just One, I Promise

I swear I am incapable of posting anything on this thing that doesn't have at least a slight amount of Fall out Boy in it. This post, though, happens to be completely full of Fall Out Boy. Sorry. I can't help it.

I've decided to give you guys a listen of one of my very favorite FOB songs (it pains me to pick one over another... they're all incredible). It's called My Heart Is the Worst Kind of Weapon, and it's an acoustic-based song from their B-side album, My Heart Will Always Be the B-Side to My Tongue. Pete's lyrics continue to take my breath away every song, every time, and I practically melt every time I hear Patrick's high note at approximately forty-six seconds in the video below. When I first heard this song, I would skip back and play those few seconds until I was satisfied, then procede to hearing the rest of the song ^.^ . Please listen to this song. I can't tell you how much it amazes me, time after time.



Spent most of last night dragging this lake
For the corpses of all my past mistakes
Sell me out - the joke's on you
We are salt - you are the wound
Empty another bottle
And let me tear you to pieces
This is me wishing you
Into the worst situations
I'm the kind of kid
That can't let anything go
But you wouldn't know a good thing
If it came up and slit your throat

Woah woah
Ooo
Woah woah

Your remorse hasn't fallen on deaf ears
Rather ones that just don't care
Cause I know
That you're in between arms somewhere
Next to heartbeats
Where you shouldn't dare sleep
Now I'll teach you a lesson
For keeping secrets from me

Take your taste back
Peel back your skin
And try to forget how it feels inside
You should try saying no once in a while
Oh once in a while
[x2]

And did you hear the news?
I could dissect you
And gut you on this stage
Not as eloquent as I may have imagined
But it will get the job done (you're done)
Every line is plotted and designed
To leave you standing
On your bedroom window's ledge
And everyone else that it hits
That it gets to
Is nothing more than collateral damage

Take your taste back
Peel back your skin
And try to forget how it feels inside
You should try saying no once in a while
Oh once in a while
[x2]

Others to check out by Fall Out Boy (I'll try and keep the list moderately short):

- It's Hard to Say I Do When I Don't
- Tell That Mick He Just Made My List of Things to Do Today
- Thriller
- Snitchers and Talkers Get Stitches and Walkers
- Hum Hallelujah
- Chicago Is So Two years Ago
- Sophomore Slump or Comeback of the Year

Discovering Individuality

Pretty intense title, right? Well, the thing is, I started talking about this earlier and I figured it was a pretty interesting topic, even if more than several people who read this have probably already experienced what I'm just discovering.

Taste in music. Not just music accually, other things follow the same pattern , I just find it easiest to relate it to music. What I started thinking about today was how it's sort of crazy that me and my sister love our favorite bands in almost the EXACT same way, even though they're different bands. Like, one day when I'd first started listening to Fall Out Boy, I said something to my sister about a specific situation that made me think of their lyrics or something like that, and she jumped in right away saying how that sounded exactly like something that happened to her, except pertaining to My Chemical Romance. And up untill just recently I figured that you liked whatever kind of music you listened you, not the other way around. I guess I'm just figuring out how to listen to the kind of music I like.

I assume this happens to pretty much everyone. You grow up in the backseat of your parents' car and listen to whatever records your mom is listening to or your dad's favorite radio station. And when someone asks you what kind of music you like, you tell them just the same. For me, it was country. I always accepted the self-assumed fact that I liked country music because that's what I heard most of the time, since it's what my mom liked. And, as my peers moved into late elementary or early middle school, I came to the conclusion that every one of them had the exact same taste in music - all the mainstream, Brittney Spears, boy band stuff that you had to listen to unless you were a total nobody. But in all honestly, I bet only ten percent of those trend-followers would still listen to that same exact genre of their own free will now that we're starting to realize we accually have individual tastes.

I also would very much like to know where our taste in music comes from. Judging by my own experience and the experience of several people I know, I'd have to say it looks like it's not an inherited thing. And it's not a primitive, survival instinct thing like your taste in guys. As far as our science teachers have told us, apparently our definition of an attractive specimin of the opposite gender is implanted in our brains as a way to preserve the human race. Whatever that means. But I doubt our species' survival depends on a person's liking rap music, so it kind of makes me wonder what part of our bodies or souls determines whether we're into the pop and punk and rock sounds, or into the hip-hop, R & B, and all that. And do we somehow subconsiously know what kind of music we like when we're really little? Or does it just come to us gradually?

So, basically, I'm fascinated with this little random topic. For the longest time I was convinced that anyone could fall in love with whatever kind of music they heard if they only had to listen to it for long enough. I'm pretty convinced now that that isn't true. I mean, I listened to country music for eleven years of my life and never felt the same way as I did the first time I heard Dance, Dance. I couldn't stop listening to it. I pressed repeat on my iPod at least twelve times before I could tear myself away and make myself listen to the next song. And then the same thing happened with Thnks fr th Mmrs (I have to give credit to my sis on that one - she bought those first two FOB songs for me and pretty much sent me into a spiraling, out-of-control obessesion. And I'd like to thank her from the bottom of my heart for it). So for a while, while I was infatuated with those two songs, my sister would go "Oh, so you're a Fall Out Boy fan?". I honestly didn't have a clue who Fall Out Boy was. I knew their name and I knew a couple of their songs, but I would just respond "No, basically it's just that I love those two songs." Then it turned into 5 songs and now it's tipping somewhere at 61. It was basically love at first sight. Except my eyes must have been directly connected to my ears which led straight to my heart.

So, just incase anyone who reads this feels like wasting a few minutes, I'd like to end this monotonously lengthy post with a request for the aforementioned people: If you have a favorite group or singer who you fell in love with, I'd love to hear about it. It's sort of like a science empiriment for me. I'd just like to observe whether this whole "love at first listen" thing is, A) a product of my insanity and pretty much limited to being something that only I experience, or B) something that happens to a lot of people at some point or another. So, if you have any interest in proving my sanity, go ahead and tell me about your musical love story.