this was a few days ago. un-edited. crazy brain garbage

sitting in the dark with the sun still up
when did i get like this
when it was happening i thought it was all in my head
but it feels very real
the way fever dreams in sweaty sheets feel
you know its a dream but that doesnt change the fact that it fucks with your head
feet are wet from the rain on the porch and the porchlights you broke
none of its getting to me
translucent pages and bleeding ink
i like to think its raining but its really just the first day of fall
if you ever wanted to know the truth
im afraid of losing you
im afraid of this sitting here in an empty house
im terrified of dying in my sleep
i am worse than i was but i already said that so i know you wont believe me
this is the weirdest thing ever
i dont want to turn any lights on and the tv means nothing
i know hes coming in an hour but i dont believe ive ever felt this alone
writing this feels like me
re-reading it feels like characterization
been looking out this window with the curtain shut
when will i ever learn
dont believe anything i say
no cratch that. believe it. it isnt as much the cleverness as id like you to think it is
too afraid to open the door
well that one might be a metaphor
i guess
most the time i just lie and say they are though
"pick up the phone fucker"
i cant hold on to this
but i try and you laugh and the sky is getting darker and i must be getting paler
i love you
go wash the writing off my arms from your toxic mouth

get home and the suns up so you leave the lights off
scribble on this page till its midnight and youre too afraid to walk around this house to flip the switches
so you sit alone in the dark and run your mouth and shine your smile
what are you waiting for

nothing is planned anymore

landing in a country where no one knows what any of this means might be refreshing
or it might be exactly the same and it might slap me in the face
no one cares about your silly head and your aching heart when its all in a foreign language
do they have these words in your world