happy birthday ryan ross

and happy yester-birthday mj. you rule. even if your face is wack and you should be black

haha

ps

no amount of you will ever make me okay. no amount of oxygen will ever make it easier to breathe. no amount of smiles will ever make me see through you. and none of it changes the fact that half of me could not spend the next five hours without you

please steal my heart and then give it away

I KISSED A BOY JUST TO START SHIT! BITCHES LOVED IT! cobralicious baby

oh my geez. laughing myself silly. more on that later

for starts... today was a good day. fall out boy not only announced their new album, but also gave us a decaydence mixtape, including fob, patd, cobra starship, the cab, the academy is, and gch.

the new album drops on november fourth internationally. its titled "folie a deux", which is french, and translates to "madness of two". folie a deux is a rare psychiatric syndrome in which a symptom of paranoid or delusional belief is transmitted from one individual to another. (nuh uh i so did not copy that from wikipedia you stupid head)

the mixtape is amazing. fall out boy provided us a list of twenty+ free songs for download off of friendsorenemies.com as a reward for playing along with their whole "citizens for our betterment" insanity. my personal favorite after a few of the fall out boy songs obviously would have to be "i kissed a boy" by cobra starship. i laughed so hard the first time i heard it. its an obvious play of off katy perry, and its hilarious. i also really like "bounce, bounce", "almost witches", "lake effect kid", and "catch me if you can". go to youtube and search "fall out boy mixtape" and you should find most of these and a few more. sorry im too lazy to post them.

i think ill probably go watch lord of the rings now. my moms boyfriends cat is eating a featherduster and my hair smells fruitier than normal. huh.

ps went shopping yesterday. got lots of amazing tops, purple skinny jeans, grey-and-black checkered skinny jeans, and a rocking pair of shoes. except for the supply shopping part im pretty much ready to hit that school

pss here are a few cat-related quotes so you can share in the oddness of the big white thing thats attacking everything in sight right now. his name is spud

"one time i fell in love with a cat. then i realized it wasnt a human being. it was not as romantic as we thought." - pete wentz (you knew id find one

"im chat(4ev ago):

me - i keep forgetting i got a new fish
me - i fed it some cat food
friend - why the heck would you feed a fish cat food?!?
me -it was probably hungry"

baha i am so strange. that fish died by the way

second star to the right. always

nothing new

and yet im posting. probably because im bored. good enough reason? i believe so.

did a lot of singing yesterday. accually thats all i did. funny how that can accually keep me entertained for like seven hours. and it did. flawlessly. i didnt even eat anything except for once before noon and once at eight thirty. music distracts me. when im thinking things and talking and whatnot i dont really get to appreciate a song as much as i do when its ridiculously loud in my ears at night.
"inside your headphones the outside world doesnt matter" - peter wentz
thats why i always try to listen to a song for the first time either when im alone or in my headphones. but it also applies to songs ive listened to countless times. it happened with "the patron saint of liars ad fakes" this morning. i listened to it yesterday and, you know, was happy because obviously i like it, but i was thinking and singing and being conscious. this morning i wasnt thinking. i was just existing and feeling. and when the first chord of that song came on my stomach absolutely turned. in the best possible way. it still amazes me what certain songs can do to me.

found this piece called "a poets advice" by e.e. cummings. i personally liked it alot:

"A real human is somebody who feels and who expresses his or her feelings. This may sound easy. It isn’t.
A lot of people think or believe or know what they feel—-but that’s thinking or believing or knowing: not feeling. And being real is feeling—-not just knowing or believing or thinking.
Almost anybody can learn to think or believe or know, but it’s very difficult to learn to feel. Why? Because whenever you think or you believe or you know, you’re a lot of other people: but the moment you feel, you’re nobody - but - yourself.
To be nobody - but -yourself— in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else—means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting.
As for communicating nobody-but-yourself to others, that means working just a little harder than anybody who isn’t real can possibly imagine. Why?
Because nothing is quite as easy as just being just like somebody else. We all of us do exactly this nearly all of the time—and whenever we do it, we are not real.
If, at the end of your first ten or fifteen years of fighting and working and feeling, you find you’ve loved just once with a nobody-but-yourself heart, you”ll be very lucky indeed.
And so my advice to all young people who wish to become real is: do something easy, like dreaming of freedom—unless you’re ready to commit yourself to feel and work and fight till you die."

last nights attempt to waste a few hours by coming up with a concept that i could write about and accually form a decent amount(like, more than one paragraph) of lyrics about kind of failed. i did manage another pointless snippet of poetry that has nowhere further to go though...
"dont you think your sky
is so much better than mine
the stars above your head
brighter just before they die"

if i had enough musical knowledge to write the music to a song, i have a feeling it would probably have a sort of panic at the disco/metro station/forever the sickest kids kind of feel to it. im a pretty big fan of the techo-esque sound, with really funky keyboard parts and stuff. im an even bigger fan of songs that can continue to be catchy and dance-able, while there lyrics are deep and occasionally cynical. panic and fall out boy are seriously accomplished at that. fob being a little less dance-able than panic but still with appealing beats and the best lyrics ive ever heard.

anywho... im going to see the broadway production of phantom of the opera tonight at keller auditorium. i think i spelled that wrong. oh well. i havent been in school for two months. opera should be fun. my dress isnt very opera-ish(black with big pink-and-grey absracty polka dots) but i love it. itll probably also be my homecoming dress. freshman this fall... only two more weeks x.X

be seeing you. second star to the right

"sleepless. lightless. loveless."

wow. how to catch the world up on my life over the course of two months in just one post. at one in the morning. not sure im going to accomplish it. but ill try.

more sleeplessness and lightlessness, as aforementioned in a very fitting quote of my very favorite man. always loveless, so thats not really a shocker(also: i apologize in advance for spelling mistakes; its late/early and this keyboard sucks). come to think of it, the other two arent shockers either. i never sleep. if i can get in five hours in a night, ive done my fair share of work. it takes so much effort for me to just shut off my brain and tell it to sleep for even long enough to survive one night. thats part of the reason i stay up so late. trying to fall asleep is miserable and fustrating.

recently the situation got even worse via some kind of dramatic tantrum thrown by a (former?)friend who is seriously bugging the crap out of me. im not sure its worth trying anymore after the changes ive given her to mature. so you know, props to her for giving me one more reason to not be able to sleep. that especially sucks when she upsets you deeply before a weekend of five am mornings. i hate my head. and my stomach. im a pretty laid back person, like i dont take things seriously when it isnt called for, but when something does hit me, it hits me hard. like, sick to my stomach and throwing up(lol same thing)kind of hard.

i normally rant like this in an email to my bf. but i thought id spare her this time and just tell it to my buddies that i dont really know on the internet. shoutout to the internet-aquiantences(ummm spell check anyone... once again - one in the morning). perhaps you all will be getting more early-morning moody insomniac posts in the future. hurrah for you.

oh, quick update on my musically-delicious world: i am now the proud owner of take this to your grave and from under the cork tree, eff oh bee style. mwahahaha. i also aqcuired a pretty sick rolling-stone-cover fob poster. thanks sister. (huh... i wonder how all of my birthday presents ended up being fall out boy related... strange)

speaking of....... been spending lots of time delving into the wonders of the web and searching for fall out boy interviews and looking at nearly all 304 pictures and poems pete has posted on his friendsorenemies.com account. i figure if everyone already knows i have a problem, what have i got to lose. its not like i tape them to my mirror and pray to them. i just think peter wentz has one of the most fascinating ad talented minds ive ever had the privelage to even get a small taste of. so there. thats what i have to say about that.

speaking of.......(poems this time), i guess i might share a few of my recent niblets, and/or favorite completed poems with the world. these are mostly old but im pretty sure ive never posted them:

(ha ha i just tried to be quiet walking into my bedroom and i totally ran into my door and tripped over everything possible...anyway...)

need to be put somewhere but dont have a home yet:
"kicking and screaming to be the one that you want
youre the one that i need"

"and the world tastes better than it ever did before"

"im only me when im where youve kept me, youre only you when the bottles empty"

i cant wait to get my hands on your chest so i can tear out your tortured heart"

finished or slightly finished:
"and i know where your heads at
somewhere glamorous, gleaming
to fake sanity
to pretend like you cant hear me screaming
but i know where your heads at
and i know its your bed that
shes in, but you cant hear her breathing
through your pounding head
because you swear that she said
'it doesnt matter'"

"youre kissing mirrors
and leaving yourself
with bleeding lips and broken glass
when all you have to show
are these stains and scars
for your efforts
in finding that something,
follow the breadcrumbs my love"

"yes this is your first warning
are you sure theres time for another
are you prepared if its your last
is that the clock ticking
or is it just the desultory beating
of your heart
the hands of that clock
sliding fown your neck
the taste of that stain
intimately close to your tongue
the clock ticking
your heart slipping
without invitation
from your masterfully crafted smile
are you able to scream
are you able to scream"

alrighty so thats that. not sure what else is important at the moment. thunderstorm outside. as aweful as it sounds, i was aching for the sound of rain. it feels good inside just to hear it. i hope its raining when i wake up. i love waking up to rain above my head. i loathe waking up early though, so im in a bit of a sitch with that one. i wish human bodies didnt need sleep. i would appreciate that.

this will probably sound stupid. and cliche. and unrealistic. but how cool would it be to be in a band. i am a total music junkie. and i love to sing, but i dont know how to play anything nor do i really have a striking desire to learn. and id probably look like an ass if i was in a band and all i did was sing and write lyrics... but you know. it still sounds extremely fun to me. its something ive been thinking more about lately. i have for most of my life had no idea what profession i wanted to go into it. and honestly, right now, studying music appeals the most to me. but im entirely aware that i probably would not be supported in that endeavor, considering it isnt a stable career and there are no guarantees it will pay off at all. but god i wish it were. i would be there faster than you can imagine.

heres to hoping i meet a handful of talented musicians who are also great people and interested in forming a high school band and in need of a female singer.

yeah. high hopes, right.
.
.
.

be seeing you. second star to the right. always.