ive decided maybe its being home that gets me this way... i wish that was as good a thing as it sounded

been away since thursday. been okay. been running and listening and destroying the lower half of my body. jesus of suburbia by green day made me cry today but whats new. i always exaggerate how emotional and dramatic i am so, as hypocritical as this entire sentence sounds, i know it really means nothing to be writing this but ive been doing a lot of crying lately. like, for real, more than usual. once a night, sometimes in the day. its mostly because im frustrated with myself, and partly because i hate the things that arent in my control and i hate that im not in control of them. my cat looks really angry and i think shes mad that i left her. i wish people would feed me and pet me and tell me theyre sorry when i pout and throw a fit about them leaving me for perfectly logical reasons. but usually they just roll theyre eyes and tell me to get over it and i usually dont. more on the topic of this sentence... im ruling out candidates for the cause of these stupid moods i get in. im not like this all the time, i promise, but i almost always blog when i am and i almost never blog when im not. so it must seem like im eternally stuck up to the problems of everyone else and absorbed in my own petty problems that i design for myself. really, i only do that sometimes. but its getting more frequent. and its either a) this house/being in the middle of nowhere, b) being alone/feeling alone, c) lack of sleep, d) my addiction to the internet, e) just me being a prat. you tell me which you think is the most likely

as ive stated before, and it continues to be true: i cant ever take a compliment but i adore hearing what people have to say about me, or what they think of me. whoever wrote this may not know me but i enjoyed reading it and smiling half-heartedly at the fact that its mostly true. there are parts that i really dont believe are true, but hey. what do i know about myself. its pretty accurate, for the most part

what the name "robin" means:
"You are wild, crazy, and a huge rebel. You're always up to something.
You have a ton of energy, and most people can't handle you. You're very intense.
You definitely are a handful, and you're likely to get in trouble. But your kind of trouble is a lot of fun.

You are well rounded, with a complete perspective on life.
You are solid and dependable. You are loyal, and people can count on you.
At times, you can be a bit too serious. You tend to put too much pressure on yourself.

You are full of energy. You are spirited and boisterous.
You are bold and daring. You are willing to do some pretty outrageous things.
Your high energy sometimes gets you in trouble. You can have a pretty bad temper at times.

You tend to be pretty tightly wound. It's easy to get you excited... which can be a good or bad thing.
You have a lot of enthusiasm, but it fades rather quickly. You don't stick with any one thing for very long.
You have the drive to accomplish a lot in a short amount of time. Your biggest problem is making sure you finish the projects you start.

You are very intuitive and wise. You understand the world better than most people.
You also have a very active imagination. You often get carried away with your thoughts.
You are prone to a little paranoia and jealousy. You sometimes go overboard in interpreting signals."

nothing makes sense to me unless its coming out of your mouth. rinse and repeat. ill get it eventually. i promise

second star to the right

this was a few days ago. un-edited. crazy brain garbage

sitting in the dark with the sun still up
when did i get like this
when it was happening i thought it was all in my head
but it feels very real
the way fever dreams in sweaty sheets feel
you know its a dream but that doesnt change the fact that it fucks with your head
feet are wet from the rain on the porch and the porchlights you broke
none of its getting to me
translucent pages and bleeding ink
i like to think its raining but its really just the first day of fall
if you ever wanted to know the truth
im afraid of losing you
im afraid of this sitting here in an empty house
im terrified of dying in my sleep
i am worse than i was but i already said that so i know you wont believe me
this is the weirdest thing ever
i dont want to turn any lights on and the tv means nothing
i know hes coming in an hour but i dont believe ive ever felt this alone
writing this feels like me
re-reading it feels like characterization
been looking out this window with the curtain shut
when will i ever learn
dont believe anything i say
no cratch that. believe it. it isnt as much the cleverness as id like you to think it is
too afraid to open the door
well that one might be a metaphor
i guess
most the time i just lie and say they are though
"pick up the phone fucker"
i cant hold on to this
but i try and you laugh and the sky is getting darker and i must be getting paler
i love you
go wash the writing off my arms from your toxic mouth

get home and the suns up so you leave the lights off
scribble on this page till its midnight and youre too afraid to walk around this house to flip the switches
so you sit alone in the dark and run your mouth and shine your smile
what are you waiting for

nothing is planned anymore

landing in a country where no one knows what any of this means might be refreshing
or it might be exactly the same and it might slap me in the face
no one cares about your silly head and your aching heart when its all in a foreign language
do they have these words in your world

"and im not going home alone, cuz i dont do too well on my own"

spending multiple hours at home after school for the next week. off to a GREAT start with that. scribble down that sarcasm in your notes you might need it for the pop quiz later. i just sent this, and thought id share the contents of my thoughts with the random interweb-people who get it more than the person i accually send these to. but this is dedicated to you love, for putting up with me if not understanding me. no im not lesbian. i just realized i sounded like i might be. no, im not. really.

"In a message dated 9/22/2008 6:20:57 P.M. Pacific Daylight Time, rockin_robin8794 writes:

so i dont see how you could have possibly not noticed this, but you probably overlooked it like no big deal.

*---* was at the football game on thursday. and i was totally just like sitting there fine and all and then i was like holy shit. no. im done with you. walk away. i havent thought about you in like a month go away PLEASE. and then he wouldnt go away. so i was like 'im going to go talk to him. we were friends, afterall' then im like jesus christ i cant. because a) youd be mad at me for ditching you and b) im a loser and im gutless. so i was like 'thats it im talking to him after erin leaves. then like three minutes after i made that decision he got up and left. i was like :| ... and so my heads like 'thats fine thats cool i dont care i havent talked to him in months i dont like him anymore' but then i got home and sat down to do homework and out of NOWHERE, like not a thought about it had crossed my mind, i just started bawling. like, oh my god please kill me kind of flood of suckiness.

yeah i know. get over it robin. you lose, he doesnt care. move on

i wish

-----------------

Frogluv wrote:

i honestly didn't even see him. where was he? and im really really sorry, cuz like, u know that u shudnt like him, but u do anyway. which sucks really bad. poieahkjsgtnfls,kdpoeyhtjrenfmdkxpsiuiurhgjfhnf... and just to let u know, i do get it.

Love,
Magic Talking Journal

ps
dont call me, im going outside

-----------------

rockin_robin8794 wrote:

omeegee are you serious. i despise you (about the ps) you retard. im like dying over something stupid and youre like 'sure call me in two minutes!' then youre like 'ps im leaving. good luck with your pathetic life' :'| i think i should stop having convos with you because every time you leave im left worse off than i was

anyway, i guess im too much of an idiot to just burn the magic talking diary that keeps making me depressed, so ill continue writing in it and making it happy how bout that. if youre laughing just so you know im not amused. i dont care if *she*s there. sorry *her*. i dont care about you

front row to the right of the rest of the bg-ers. X.x i cant believe you didnt notice. like, i would have believed it if i hadnt been staring at the back of his head for like 45 minutes straight, but seeing as that was the case i figured you woulda eventually followed my eyes down that direction.

i want to believe you get it. honestly. i just dont see as you can because unless you really are that skilled at keeping things from stupid unobservant robin, you havent liked anyone like i have. and i dont want to tell you 'no! you dont get it! go away but not really because i want to tell you everything and punish you if you dont sympathise, and then slap you in the face with a 'you loser you so dont get it!".... but thats how i wish it could work. i wish i could tie you to a chair and tell you everything and beat you till you were like 'yeah i so get it' then beat you again until you were like 'no your wonderfulness i cannot possibly imagine the torture youve been through". i want that. i really want it really. i am the needy-est, most ungrateful, pathtic, failing piece of junk ever to be molded into a human being im serious

i hate everything about this. i hate this right now, these past four days, and i hate that i do this like once every two months and each time i know how stupid it is but i just keep doing it. im going to hurl up the contents of brain and slit my heart and flush everything down the drain and walk around completely empty and normal and void like every other person on the planet cuz thats how its supposed to be. i think they should have a revised definition of "teen angst" in the dictionary just for me

i hate that you were entirely right when you said i was an emotional rollercoaster. i hate that i am not the same person for more than 6 hours per day. i hate that you wont know how to reply to this and youll just be like ":(" and it wont help me at all and that isnt your fault but i blame it on you. i hate a lot and i dont love very much. hate and love both being in the verb tense

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

rockin_robin wrote:

i dont even know. id been doing so good about not bugging you with my pettiness. i used a blog and a pen and a piece of paper for that. but i cant explain this with that. i cant explain this at all and i know this is no use at all because you wont know what to make of it, and i wish it wasnt like that. but it is and i wish i could accept it. and i hate that my writing only makes sense in my own head, occasionally, and that if i wanted people to get it i could write it that way but thats too easy. i want people to hurt their minds trying to get it the way it hurts mine to think it and feel it. and i dont have a single friend who gets it, which i shouldnt care about. i should be grateful i have friends. but im sick and stupid and i want them to be perfect. and why the fuck cant i ever think a single thought without shoving it down on this fucking keyboard for you to read and not give a care about. why. please tell me why you can be so sure about yourself. nothing is complicated. you dont want to tell me something, you dont tell me. i cant even fricking keep from sending you emails that i know you wont reply to. and i hate it when you dont because i want you to but when you do im not satisfied, because i need more. i need you to need to tell me everything back and to know exactly what i mean always. and no one does. and i sound like a fricking idiot(i am trying so hard not to cuss here. forgive me. it doesnt portray anything right without swearing. sorry. they havent come up with acceptable words for the way i am yet) right now. and i know ERXACTLY what youre reply to this will be and i KEEP WRITING even though i know ill hate myself more when i read your reply and its all 'sorry... :\". but it hurts worse when you dotn reply. that means you know who you are and what you wan to type or say or write and what you dont. well i dont have that choice because im so caught up in my own head that i dont even know how to control my own mind to my hand anymore.

lots more to say that would in fact be less cohesive than what i just wrote. "wow i didnt even think that was possible" she says

please please get me. sometime. somwhere. someone. none of this matters tomorrow. none of it matters right now. youre not getting any of this and i know that. i wish you would. i wish i could help you

prescribe me pills to help me shake this overdosed feeling. pshyche wards are overrated. i know that know. preach with conviction

i wish that meant something to you. i wish it looked like poetry to you. it means more to me than anyone knows and i beat myself up for it

apologies for this entire email. reply please. it makes me feel important

ps you can still see stars years and years after theyre dead. did you know that. it feels that way sometimes to me. feel it for me please. dont think im crazy please. this is what goes on in my head night after night. insane shit huh. i know it. even without the lack of sleep it wears you down. people like me should either be chronicled or crucified i believe"

lol yeah. x.X robin robin robin whatever shall i do with yourself. no ones answering there phone and tv sounds boring. except for buffy which i cant watch. this is so very loser

ive been posting way too much. i think im devouring its appeal

i love the world in winter when everyone else is asleep. people sleep different. and it feels different to know how fast they are sleeping while youre sitting awake writing about how dark it is, how quiet. how the earth turns different. woke to a rain of the kind that washington is very used to. still waiting for the rainstorm that americas never seen. either way it sends you shivers to wake up to rain for the first time in months. everyones quieter, as if they know their voices wont drown out the rain so whats the bother, save your breath. as if our thoughts cant dodge the raindrops so we can spare the naive thinking of day to day. your whole head is calmer. youre just about to suffocate in your own mind but youve accepted that. it feels like candles and spending all day looking out the window

in less boring news (to me at least), patrick stump is absolutely adorable. "Yesterday was my mom's birthday. So thanks, mom, for being born". ^.^ folie a deux is officially done in the recording studio, and the video for i dont care will be realeased soon hopefully. patrick kept saying how much he liked kanye wests "love lockdown", so naturally we were waiting for the cover. we heard it today in the background of an foe video. i like tricks better than kanyes, but what do i know.

this is us wishing we were you wishing you were us

"please, spare me. im drowning in the humility."

been reading more of petes old journals, lots of them from the bands trip to uganda for a video shoot. those entries are seriously incredible. and lately id been thinking very highly of my writing, then BAM im like. wow. i suck. "we can fake it for the airwaves. force our smiles, baby - half dead, from comparing myself to everyone else around me." also been really bad about the sleeping for a few days. wont be able to watch any buffy the vampire slayer for a week. hopefully ill either start sleeping better or find an outlet for my insomnia, because the internet and television have been failing me lately. i guess that leaves me with writing. which i do well and i do a lot, so i guess that would have been my first option wouldnt it

would you go back to the heartache if you could have your teenaged smile?

were all fighting for the seat with the best view of the end
and ill always be obsessed with the revolver in your hand
were all so terrified of growing up and growing old
and it isnt getting any better than this. not so much a fracture as a bruised ego


lie like you mean it, for gods sake. we both know im so ill the hospitals would be sick at the very sight of me. ive never known what bleeding on the floor felt like until now. sorry for the mess, thank you for the shoulder

ps because i dont think ive metioned this yet

ive wanted to be able to travel for a long time now. and i guess this must be my year, because im most likely going to san fransisco for spring break and paris, france over the summer. holy jesus. im so excited. and theres this kid with really sick old school headphones who ive never talked to but i want to, and hes going to paris too. as long as i can handle ms clingly for sixteen days, it should be more amazing than i could possibly imagine. at least, you know, thats what i imagine

not like it isnt for ten months or whatever, but when summer gets closer remember to wish me luck on the first day in europe. my french teacher says that the plane usually lands early, and you have to keep yourself awake till its dark there so your internal clock stays right. i know this sounds weird but i cant ever sleep anywhere (like trains, cars, planes, ect...) except for occasionally in my own bed unless i have a human pillow, so hopefully on the plane i sit to someone my age who has a really comfortable shoulder and no personal bubble. and who talks to me a lot so i dont get lonely. lol yeah thats so gonna happen right. and its gonna be a super tall guy whose like really adorable and plays varsity football. yes. thats it.

sleep now.

hey stranger

i really shouldnt be up this late so ima use all mah mad skills to type all quiet. and be gangsta.

i am super tired right now. and im pretty sure either someone has to pee or they heard me typing because those sound strikingly similar to footsteps. damn. mah mad skills werent mad enough. huh. quieter now. ah well shall we continue. my cat has tried climbing on my lap like seventeen times now and i keep setting her back down and then she does it again x.X ...

i was distracted a second ago with this whole boardie thread about posting your crush stories. it was seriously depressing. all of them had such cute stuff and all the guys sounded so sweet. like why does this happen to other people. oh and it totally didnt help that like two days ago this guy that i [had?] been best friends with since sixth grade and only started seriously liking toward the middle of eighth grade and who i havent talked to in three months was sitting like ten feet in front of me for almost an hour at a freshman football game. and i am so super gutless i didnt even talk to him. and then he got up to leave and i was like hey. no. you arent allowed to leave because im not done telling myself over and over again to go and sit by you while i stare at the back of your head. then i went home and sat on my bed and i was a little weirded out but feeling okay in general then all of a sudden out of nowhere i just start crying like crazy. twas very bad. and i must [have?] like[d?] him a lot because im so not the type of person who gets nervous around guys. i am so effing lame.
i dont even think my bf (who was part of the reason i didnt go talk to him) knew he was there. cause she kept looking at me, me totally not watching the game obviously, like what the heck are you looking at freak. im like lol. robin = distracted much.

and then as if that werent shitty enough, today i got a whole crapload of badness for lunch. theres been this whole thing going on with someone who used to be my friend, and then started acting like nothing happened, and then today it all just blew up. i was like on the verge of puking and hitting someone in the face in very equal amounts sitting in the corner of a locker room bathroom for like ten minutes at the end of the lunch hour. and all the soccer kids were like holy cow what the heck is she doing. o.0 . i am soooo way overdosing on drama lately. they really should take those pills away from people my age. but im definantly not interested in a repeat on monday, so i is probably going to hang with chase for the rest of my life. i love the rest of my friends and all, but they still hang out with the source of all this, which is fine and everything, but i am not spending time around her anymore. sorry for the immaturedom. but i cant do that again. its like im a year younger and a lifetime smarter than every fucking girl in my class

so what else can i rant and be all negative about. i think thats about it. not that this itself isnt enough to fill up my brain for a few weeks.

piglet: "pooh?"
pooh: "yes, piglet?"
piglet: "oh nothing, i just wanted to be sure of you"

second star to the right

its that consequence on my tongue, "guilty conscience" thing

i woke up this morning to the lonely pillow beside me and said that this town was gonna sleep here tonight
nothing makes my day like knowing youll never be okay
but im not entirely alright
and i cant imagine you wanting it any other way

tonight is nothing more than the way you lost yourself on the wrong side of never. youre hiding behind it again. youre taking pictures for everyone to see the clever way you cover yourself up. fix it with a drug. fix it in your mind and close your eyes tight to keep it from coming out.

"put your hand between an aching head and an aching world. well make them so jealous. well make them hate us."

our computer is back, as well as the ancient keyboard that makes more noise than a jackhammer. i guess surfing the internet and posting my random thoughts here when i cant sleep is out of the question. that means back to using the regular journal, you know the one filled with overlapping poems and bad handwriting from scrawling in the dark. ill try to make them legible enough that i can post them here the next day. "its gotten crazy for the first time in a long time"

my sister coined the phrase "nonsensical poetry" about three seconds ago. i think that says a lot about the way i write when [i am alone in this bed house and head].

never mind the way i dont care what you have say
shove it in your back pocket because we both know how it feels
cant you tell me aything without that disaster relief tone of voice
you cant hide anything love. nothings more than truth or less than you
even with your shirt on, your heart is bare

whoops

i just realized i totally posted on september eleventh and didnt say anything. sorry world. i wish i felt more strongly about it, but i was like seven when it happened so it didnt mean all that much to me when it happened. like obviously i feel bad about it and respect those families and everything, but... you know.

theyre calling for extras in a new fall out boy video(i dont care) as of yesterday.
(((edit... lol. i just realized how petty i sounded just then with my change of subject... ha ha)))
first five hundred. not that i would probably be allowed to fly to LA on a random date anyway, but in my best judgement five hundred people have probably already sent in. but that would be sooooooooooooooooooo amazing you cant even fathom it.

i dont really have much else to say except that folie a deux is gutting me like a pumpkin and carving a smile on my face. pete keeps giving us tiny little snippets of amazingness, such as that brendon urie and gabe saporta have both been in the studio to sing on the record. and that theres growling involved. that made me very happy. mr peter is probably the best screamer in the history of forever, and that honestly isnt even my biased-ness talking.

got a panic at the disco poster for my room, to go with the fob rolling stone cover and the hoards of random doodle-esque pieces of paper taped all over the place.

you tell him every day hes perfect. i have one objection
with every word you say he wanders further from perfection

second star to the right. always

music and school and sun and insomnia

these are a few of the things that i somehow cant seem to escape. love them or hate them theyre there, you know

anyway. am i getting more boring or are people getting less interested. or more lazy. because it seems no one bothers to comment on this thing anymore. not that im deeply scarred or whatever, but it was sort of fun to feel like i was writing these with some sort of purpose. and reading comments entertains me. so comment damnit

i am extremely extremely muchly hoping that i get to see panic at the disco(again) AND the cab live next month. not that ive ever played rock band in my entire life (rock band live tour) but who cares right. and dashboard confessional, who i like, but am not super duper excited about. i am entirely in love with the cab and obviously panic, tho. so hopefully that happens for me.

also hopefully for me... hopefully something noteworthy and guy related happens soon. i absolutely hate liking someone for certain reason, such as feeling slightly pathetic, but at the same time once you stop liking someone all the fun is taken out of waking up at five am. lol not that there was really much fun to begin with, but it just gives more meaning to going to school. and i mean im having fun anyway but i miss the drama. it detracts from the monotony

in geography class today i descovered i get bored more easily than almost anyone on the planet. the teacher was giving us the answers to a quiz wed just taken so that we could correct it ourselves for studying, and like two seconds in im not joking i completely forgot she was talking and started drawing a moon on puppet strings and bordering my paper with crazy insane stuff. and then everyone started packing up and im like "...crap."

theres things that i have done you never, should ever know

second star to the right. always

scope it

new fall out boy single, "i dont care" -

http://www.falloutboyrock.com/falloutboy/blog_detail.php?uf_item_id=1-106092&uf_system_id=1

..."say my name, and his in the same breath, i dare you to say they taste the same"

<3<3<3

total freshy

first week of high school went faaaast. and it was way too amazing. lots i want to tell but not sure ill get to it all. ill try.

first day was fun in a confused-but-not-the-only-one kind of way. me and j-leno were pretty much inseperable the whole day. neither of us had any idea where we were going and we just kept cracking up laughing at ourselves. im glad hes at prairie with me. ive known that kid since second grade and hes way cool. also found out chase is accually going to prairie. he said hed be going to bg. what a liar. but i forgive him. he walked with me to my bus and we talked which was cool cause i hadnt had a lot of time for that the whole day.

second day went pretty normal-ish. chase was too busy reading harry potter(hes such a trekki) to walk with me again, but i had fun anyway.

third day was a pep-rally and a dance. THAT was amazing. the pep rally was kinda corny in a fun way, but hey whatdya expect. my sis and neighbor both went to the dance, but none of my other friends were there. it wasnt really a huge bummer tho. im good at making friends. i danced with alone in the thick of the crowd for a while but by the end i found a few guys to dance with. [...note to sister: if youre reading this right now and laughing... i will kill you]

yesterday was also fun. i got some more info on possibly going to paris with my french class this summer (:o) thatll be super epic. im pretty darn excited. i officially know like 14 franch words now. woo hoo.

so thats basically it. again with the waking up at five in the morning, the almost-falling asleep while my science teacher rambles about corn, and all that. i am most definantly going to have fun this year.

ps vitamin string qaurtet's cover of time to dance by patd is breathtaking
you know i had to say something about music

second start to the right. always

wont talk long

"please dont go. i need you"
sorry. i must sleep a tad bit tonight though. tomorrow i have school. that sounds right in my head but feels wrong in my body which is at this moment particularly aching for rest. sorry body. my brain disagrees.
funny the things you remember from summer. one scene sticks out in my head for some reason. maybe because it sort of sumerizes these past two months for me. i remember sitting on the chipping-red-paint rail of the bridge down past our house over the little creek, in my cutoff jeans, swinging my feet and listening to "sitting waiting wishing" by jack johnson thinking about where i am and what i want in terms of how far from making sense of anything i am.
no that was not a clever connotation of what i was thinking based on the song. it accually happened that way. or maybe the song subconsciously put those thoughts in my head.
or maybe its four in the morning and our smoke detector needs a new battery. maybe my head needs a new battery. maybe i wish i had something to tell people about my summer. maybe i have no idea what im saying or why right now. maybe i should stop.
maybe this means more to you than i could ever possibly imagine. and maybe no one cares as much as wed like to believe they do

second star to the right. always