"and im not going home alone, cuz i dont do too well on my own"

spending multiple hours at home after school for the next week. off to a GREAT start with that. scribble down that sarcasm in your notes you might need it for the pop quiz later. i just sent this, and thought id share the contents of my thoughts with the random interweb-people who get it more than the person i accually send these to. but this is dedicated to you love, for putting up with me if not understanding me. no im not lesbian. i just realized i sounded like i might be. no, im not. really.

"In a message dated 9/22/2008 6:20:57 P.M. Pacific Daylight Time, rockin_robin8794 writes:

so i dont see how you could have possibly not noticed this, but you probably overlooked it like no big deal.

*---* was at the football game on thursday. and i was totally just like sitting there fine and all and then i was like holy shit. no. im done with you. walk away. i havent thought about you in like a month go away PLEASE. and then he wouldnt go away. so i was like 'im going to go talk to him. we were friends, afterall' then im like jesus christ i cant. because a) youd be mad at me for ditching you and b) im a loser and im gutless. so i was like 'thats it im talking to him after erin leaves. then like three minutes after i made that decision he got up and left. i was like :| ... and so my heads like 'thats fine thats cool i dont care i havent talked to him in months i dont like him anymore' but then i got home and sat down to do homework and out of NOWHERE, like not a thought about it had crossed my mind, i just started bawling. like, oh my god please kill me kind of flood of suckiness.

yeah i know. get over it robin. you lose, he doesnt care. move on

i wish

-----------------

Frogluv wrote:

i honestly didn't even see him. where was he? and im really really sorry, cuz like, u know that u shudnt like him, but u do anyway. which sucks really bad. poieahkjsgtnfls,kdpoeyhtjrenfmdkxpsiuiurhgjfhnf... and just to let u know, i do get it.

Love,
Magic Talking Journal

ps
dont call me, im going outside

-----------------

rockin_robin8794 wrote:

omeegee are you serious. i despise you (about the ps) you retard. im like dying over something stupid and youre like 'sure call me in two minutes!' then youre like 'ps im leaving. good luck with your pathetic life' :'| i think i should stop having convos with you because every time you leave im left worse off than i was

anyway, i guess im too much of an idiot to just burn the magic talking diary that keeps making me depressed, so ill continue writing in it and making it happy how bout that. if youre laughing just so you know im not amused. i dont care if *she*s there. sorry *her*. i dont care about you

front row to the right of the rest of the bg-ers. X.x i cant believe you didnt notice. like, i would have believed it if i hadnt been staring at the back of his head for like 45 minutes straight, but seeing as that was the case i figured you woulda eventually followed my eyes down that direction.

i want to believe you get it. honestly. i just dont see as you can because unless you really are that skilled at keeping things from stupid unobservant robin, you havent liked anyone like i have. and i dont want to tell you 'no! you dont get it! go away but not really because i want to tell you everything and punish you if you dont sympathise, and then slap you in the face with a 'you loser you so dont get it!".... but thats how i wish it could work. i wish i could tie you to a chair and tell you everything and beat you till you were like 'yeah i so get it' then beat you again until you were like 'no your wonderfulness i cannot possibly imagine the torture youve been through". i want that. i really want it really. i am the needy-est, most ungrateful, pathtic, failing piece of junk ever to be molded into a human being im serious

i hate everything about this. i hate this right now, these past four days, and i hate that i do this like once every two months and each time i know how stupid it is but i just keep doing it. im going to hurl up the contents of brain and slit my heart and flush everything down the drain and walk around completely empty and normal and void like every other person on the planet cuz thats how its supposed to be. i think they should have a revised definition of "teen angst" in the dictionary just for me

i hate that you were entirely right when you said i was an emotional rollercoaster. i hate that i am not the same person for more than 6 hours per day. i hate that you wont know how to reply to this and youll just be like ":(" and it wont help me at all and that isnt your fault but i blame it on you. i hate a lot and i dont love very much. hate and love both being in the verb tense

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

rockin_robin wrote:

i dont even know. id been doing so good about not bugging you with my pettiness. i used a blog and a pen and a piece of paper for that. but i cant explain this with that. i cant explain this at all and i know this is no use at all because you wont know what to make of it, and i wish it wasnt like that. but it is and i wish i could accept it. and i hate that my writing only makes sense in my own head, occasionally, and that if i wanted people to get it i could write it that way but thats too easy. i want people to hurt their minds trying to get it the way it hurts mine to think it and feel it. and i dont have a single friend who gets it, which i shouldnt care about. i should be grateful i have friends. but im sick and stupid and i want them to be perfect. and why the fuck cant i ever think a single thought without shoving it down on this fucking keyboard for you to read and not give a care about. why. please tell me why you can be so sure about yourself. nothing is complicated. you dont want to tell me something, you dont tell me. i cant even fricking keep from sending you emails that i know you wont reply to. and i hate it when you dont because i want you to but when you do im not satisfied, because i need more. i need you to need to tell me everything back and to know exactly what i mean always. and no one does. and i sound like a fricking idiot(i am trying so hard not to cuss here. forgive me. it doesnt portray anything right without swearing. sorry. they havent come up with acceptable words for the way i am yet) right now. and i know ERXACTLY what youre reply to this will be and i KEEP WRITING even though i know ill hate myself more when i read your reply and its all 'sorry... :\". but it hurts worse when you dotn reply. that means you know who you are and what you wan to type or say or write and what you dont. well i dont have that choice because im so caught up in my own head that i dont even know how to control my own mind to my hand anymore.

lots more to say that would in fact be less cohesive than what i just wrote. "wow i didnt even think that was possible" she says

please please get me. sometime. somwhere. someone. none of this matters tomorrow. none of it matters right now. youre not getting any of this and i know that. i wish you would. i wish i could help you

prescribe me pills to help me shake this overdosed feeling. pshyche wards are overrated. i know that know. preach with conviction

i wish that meant something to you. i wish it looked like poetry to you. it means more to me than anyone knows and i beat myself up for it

apologies for this entire email. reply please. it makes me feel important

ps you can still see stars years and years after theyre dead. did you know that. it feels that way sometimes to me. feel it for me please. dont think im crazy please. this is what goes on in my head night after night. insane shit huh. i know it. even without the lack of sleep it wears you down. people like me should either be chronicled or crucified i believe"

lol yeah. x.X robin robin robin whatever shall i do with yourself. no ones answering there phone and tv sounds boring. except for buffy which i cant watch. this is so very loser