ive decided i honestly do only post on this thing when im in a bad mood

updates in my life are more of the same boring things ive already said, especially the crying parts. ive never been much of the tears on my pillow type but in the past couple weeks ive cried at night several times. all musically related somehow

songs that have made me cry, either because of the song by itself or the situation/mindset i was in when i listened to it:

+ our lady of sorrows - my chemical romance
+ growing up(acoustic)- fall out boy
+ saturday - fall out boy
+ folkin' around - panic at the disco
+ what a catch, donnie - fall out boy
+ time to dance - panic at the disco

saturday was just because i was feeling nostalgic and it came on and i dont know i just started crying. there was really no thought process. folkin around was a complicated and long thought process while that song was on repeat. i was thinking about how strange it is, the level of meaning these few bands have to me. that almost nothing in the entire world, honestly, means more to me than the music they make and how phony that sounds even to me. how its a few guitar chords and some catchy hooks and that it can make two people of completely different backgrounds, personalities, races, ages, anything - feel the same thing at the same time. or even two polar opposite things at the same time, based on what it means to them specifically. and i was thinking about how even the people who make the music are amazing to me, not because theyre famous, but because in the biggest way possible without actually knowing them or stalking them, i know what types of people they are and they amaze me. and all of that seems utterly impossible for anyone to understand and even sounds exaggerated, and it might be i guess, but it all feels true to me and its a crazy thing.

and how little tiny things mean something to me that would mean nothing to someone else. the same thought process led me to remembering the first night i actually really listened to panic at the disco. i liked one or two of their popular songs but hadnt ever really given them a chance, so i decided to by some of the songs off of afycso and give them a try. so i bought martyrdom and suicide, nails for breakfast and time to dance, put them on my ipod and was about to watch a movie. i had an aero bed set up downstairs with a bunch of blankets anmd all that, and i put my headphones in and listened to the new songs while i changed into pjs and brushed my teeth. and i sat on my aero bed listening to them over again and feeling what they were about a few times before starting the movie. and ive never forgotten that and i dont necessarily want to. and i dont know why things like that stick out in my head. but they almost always have to do with music, i think because its the only thing that really makes me feel.

i remember wanting to rush home from school to catch fob on trl weekdays when thnks fr th mmrs was popular. i remember listening to snitches and talkers again and again and how great i thought it was, and the way that was when i didnt really know fall out boy. it was still just pure, unbiased, new, exciting music. i can feel the way that felt, almost, in the back of my head, even though its gone now. i remember the first time watching all the interviews and live performances and what i thought of pete and patrick and joe and andy before i knew a thing about them. i remember listening to welcome to the black parade and liking the way it wasnt just verse-chorus-verse-chorus. it intrigued me. and i remember not liking the first time i saw gee with black hair because i had always known him with short blonde hair. and i remember deciding i was in love with frank iero after seeing a two-second clip of him on fuse where gerard was showing steven how to do his makeup. i remember dance, dance and every now and then very faintly when im listening to it in my headphones late at night i can hear it the same way i did when it was the only fob song id ever heard. i remember that was the first time anything like pete's lyrics ever caught my attention. "im two quarters and a heart down... dance, dance, were falling apart to half time" was the first "wow. thats amazing" moment, ever, for me. patricks "love" was when i decided that if i ever had sex this song would need to be playing.

i hate what music does to me because it makes me want all of that back. like, i want to be the person i was standing at my bathroom counter listening to that bassline and smiling and feeling what i felt, again for just a second because it felt so good.

it makes you want to hold yourself to keep everything from gushing out and drowing you
i know nobody will ever really understand that but it makes me feel good to pretend that writing this makes you get it just a little bit better

"im two quarters and a heart down
and i dont want to forget how your voice sounds
these words are all i have so i write them
so you need them just to get by
dance dance
were falling apart to half time
dance dance
and these are the lives youd love to lead
dance, this is the way theyd love
if they know how misery loved me
why dont you show me
little bit of spine
youve been saving for his mattress,
love"

god you dont know what it means

its that way

the way you sweat
the way youre so close together the air gets thin
the way you cant stand on your own two feet afterwards
the way you scream until you lose your voice
the way you bruise and the way you smile

yes im talking about last night, but im not talking to you darling

i love and hate post-concert depression in equal parts. i love it because that just seems to be the way i am... its feeling, and its feeling a lot, all at once. so i like it. i hate it because you want to be there again. i love and also hate being sore and hoarse and sweaty. i love and hate the fact that you get so desperately thirsty youll drink out of a water bottle thats been passed around to 50 hot(like the temperature, kay) people you dont know.

almost got a drumstick from hit the lights. touched sing it loud's bassist's arm. laughed a lot at jonathan from ftsk's craziness. got caught up in the scramble during cobra's last/encore song, went a bit psycho, and was standing pretty much beneath gabe saporta, who happens to be extremely tall. hearts for ryland because i love him and hes hilarious

"ouch, gabriel, that really hurt!"

halloween is probably my favorite holiday ever, making october my favorite month. i feel like watching a vampire movie in my orange casper the ghost pants and staying up late and making tents and stuff. i think we need a halloween break from school so we can enjoy these things to their full extent. i dont know, i just really feel like being creeped out. or at least watching something dark and creepy-themed, even if its from the ninteies and isnt accually scary

holy crap

well the countdown just backtracked to SIXTY THREE DAYS.

:|

folie a deux has been postponed till december 16. i think i might die. especially since theyre releasing another single tomorrow, and another the next tuesday. and more podcasts. and i appreciate the effort, what with the keeping us busy until december, but itd honestly be easier for me to just keep it off my mind for the next few months. oh well. i guess ill tough it out. maybe. all i have to do it breathe and keep going, right? easy enough

one of my hormone-less friends decided she liked someone today. i thought id be more happy about that. i dont know. i obviously cant say that it annoys me, because ive been bugging her to like someone for the past year, but it does. dont know why. i guess it brought up the me liking/not liking someone thing again, i mean obviously not verbally but in my head. its so STUPID. like two weeks ago i was like "i think its possible that i still like him, shit" and now its like "no im pretty sure i dont". its like i quit some kind of freakish addiction cold turkey and i can go fine until i see it or hear it or anything, and then im bad again. so i guess now im hoping NOT to ever see him at another football game. then as soon as i decide that ill see him at one, not get to talk to him, and wish to see him again for the following month, right? yeah well. ive got some issues

think thats it. possibly something more exciting sometime else. i havent written in a long time ._.

second star to the right

three cheers for long song titles

"headfirst slide into cooperstown on a bad bet" is the second song to be released from folie a deux. theyre going to continue to release one song each week until the album drops, as a part of their plan to cut every possible cost for us from the album and upcoming tour. because of the financial situation and all; its cool that they realize that people who are going to have to let go of some luxuries for financial reasons are going to let go of the arts first. and they dont want us to be without music any more than we do. so lots of "first come first serve" ten-dollar-ticket US shows.

anyway that was a long ramble. i havent allowed myself to listen to more than thirty seconds of cooperstown because i want to hear the record as a whole, instead of most of it in little pieces for a month. but i appreciate what theyre trying to do, and the thirty seconds i heard was epic. it sounds like theyve got keyboard in it(not sure tho - again, thirty seconds) which makes it feel a little more techno-ish than anything ive ever heard from them. i am having a really really hard time not buying it. seriously.

~~~TWENTY EIGHT DAYS~~~

if youre looking for a movie

1) eagle eye
2) nick and norah's infinate playlist

both are amazing. just got back from the latter and its raining outside and i just realized i missed fall/winter a lot. i also took lots of personality quizzes while i was bored today, and i think im the type of person who just needs people. like, if there is a random stranger on a bus with ears and arms who doesnt mind me doing so, i will totally talk to them about my life and then fall asleep on their shoulder. not kidding. its not like im clingy, per se, i just need people. if that makes any sense. and i need people who are cool with me being borderline bipolar and highly emotional. or, you know, just me being a teenager, if that sums it up. i think the people i have around me right now are either a few years less mature than me in am emotional sense, and they only like the me who is crazy and fun and laughs a lot. but thats about half of me, half the time. and they just avoid the other half, half of the time. and that just makes the needy half more depressed. so heres to me finding people with ears and arms. and shoulders i guess. and tolerance. because im really not as "fuck the world. i hate myself" as i sound a lot of the time. its just, i have no one to talk to about things that arent happy and related to the muppet show, and no one who doesnt cringe when i need to just cry and be listened to and held. they all think im crazy and want me to be happy. and i just want them to want me to be whatever i need to be.

sorry for not making sense again. only not making sense in the process of making sense of what i want and what i need

spirit week

so this week was spirit week. my friends are all retards and accually care what people think about them so they hardly did anything. one of the afformentioned retards said today at a football game to my other friend, "never pass up any chance to be crazy!" and i really wanted to slap her. hypocritical much, ms im-not-going-to-do-a-thing-for-spirit-week-because-people-with-think-im-a-freak


:|


monday: prairie spirit day. yeah. lots of red and yellow. oh, right, "crimson and gold". sorry phs. its not that cool. its red and yellow. and you know it

tuesday: twin day. me and some girl from french just randomly decided to be twins the day before. we were like "hey do you have a purple shirt??? how about pants, do you have those???.... oh and wear converse!!!" then we showed up the next day and we accually looked a lot alike. it was pretty intense

wednesday: tie dye day. fun stuff. me and king tie-dyed our shirts on tuesday night together, and hers turned out pretty wicked. mine was cool too, but it was a little more polka-dott-ed than swirled. oh well. i liked it

thursday: TOGA DAY. the best ever. i mean seriously. they give you a whole day to wear a frigging bed sheet to school. i honestly dont understand how people can be so wrapped up in not "looking dorky" that they would pass up an opurtunity to wear a TOGA to school. it was so much fun. mine had kitty paws on it and my frnch teacher gave me a burger king "cat in the hat" crown. everyone was like ...."shes not seriously going to wear that around school is she", and i was like "hell yeah i am". i take pride in amazing things that people think are lame. they nknow they own. theyre just to self conscious and dumb to admit that im cooler than them, in my kitty paws toga and dr seuss hat

friday: color wars. frosh were yellow. which sucked. and we failed epicly at the assembly. but it was fun anyway

okay so thats that. gah this sounds so bad but im going to say it anyway. my friends are seriously becoming a tad bit annoying. like today at the color wars assembly, which was crazy fun, one of my best friends is all "oh my gosh this is so boring id rather be in class". :| . ummm. okay then, thats nice for you but its kind of, i dont know, like... :\
and then the whole "oh! im so wachy and fun and im crazy and ill do anything and i dont care what people think!" and then when it comes down to it and i have a whole week to be wacky and nerdy, she ttly doesnt do anything and pretends to not know me. PLUS this guy she told me about for weeks liked her a lot, and she kept saying how much she HATED him and he was so annoying and all that. okay well i just met him and hes accually really nice and pretty cute. like, im the person that never gets any attention like that at all and here she is with a nice, cute guy falling over her and she cant do anything but complain about it. while im in my head failing miserably and all depressed over wanting someone who ill never have

oh my goodness. its just getting hard

but not in a really really hard like depressing way. im accually in an okay mood. we lost our homecoming game, but it was expected and accepted. it was fun hanging out and meeting people and getting dumped on by the rain

walking in the halls at school just before the bell:
random dudes high-fiving eachother and me:

"you going to the game tonight?
YOU READY TO LOSE???"

lol thats prairie pride for you. ah the enthusiam over the eminent losing. at least we cheer anyway

oh yeah, forgot

"your mouth it moves but fails to speak
and when you use your lips they better be on me

the lies
that tied
your tongue
in knots
are the words
that grew
to hit
my spine
so filthy
dialed desire
swallowed pride but spit out fire
liars turn me on

bounce, bounce, baby"

alex deleon is serious insanity. i love those guys. theyll be in this very state in thirteen days. yeah, and i wont be there. gah.

current hug list(sis - make one toooo!):

- patrick stump
- brendon urie
- ryan ross
- frank iero
- pete wentz
- gerard way
- gabe saporta
- william beckett
- possibly alex deleon or johnson whateverhislastnameis
- mike carden looks huggable but hes not necessarily a permanent resident of this list

kay that is all. no checks so far D': but that could be because i just made this and havent ever met anyone

location:

writing during a northern downpour, from a mountain in the middle of the cabins somewhere behind the sea. i have friends in holy spaces; were all mad as rabbits and were so starving. shes a handsome woman, and you know she had the world. do you know what im seeing? folkin' around when the day met the night, a pas de cheval such as yours - how unfortunate. is it possible that its already nine in the afternoon? i believe the piano knows something i dont know.
dont ask me to tell you the truth, babe, i write sins not tragedies.
oh yeah, wrong album

everyone in the world who ever had an email address decided to die. and nothing else is new on the internet. and im so frigging bored. and its almost ten o clock which means i wont be sleeping for a long time. *roll eyes*. im serious i think i only post on this thing when im in a bad mood. or bored. which kind of makes sense but also doesnt because then i sound like a whiney idiot.
so what can i tell the world...
november needs to come sooner. not sure who im going to be the day before it does. im sure it wont be the same person ive ever been before or ever will be. i like not only having a day to dress up, but having twenty four full hours to not have to be yourself. i dont think im ever myself anyway, but not having to pretend anything is nice. yeah yeah i know "a whole day to not have to be yourself". sounds very much like pretending, no? not for me. nothing tastes more at home on the tip of my tongue than fiction.
"summer love on a gurney with a squeaky wheel"
i wish that song was making the album. i really really cant wait though. ive never had to be excited for an album before. so i can honestly say this is the most excited about an album ive ever been.

shouldve done my homework tonight. accually no. i shouldve done it in class. i should probably do it tomorrow and youll probably read the same thing, same time, tomorrow night.

love always

vices are the voices of those who cant stand the grandstanding. hold your breath, bite your tongue. another mistake, you say you'll make up for it, i'm just dying to wake up for it