ive decided i honestly do only post on this thing when im in a bad mood

updates in my life are more of the same boring things ive already said, especially the crying parts. ive never been much of the tears on my pillow type but in the past couple weeks ive cried at night several times. all musically related somehow

songs that have made me cry, either because of the song by itself or the situation/mindset i was in when i listened to it:

+ our lady of sorrows - my chemical romance
+ growing up(acoustic)- fall out boy
+ saturday - fall out boy
+ folkin' around - panic at the disco
+ what a catch, donnie - fall out boy
+ time to dance - panic at the disco

saturday was just because i was feeling nostalgic and it came on and i dont know i just started crying. there was really no thought process. folkin around was a complicated and long thought process while that song was on repeat. i was thinking about how strange it is, the level of meaning these few bands have to me. that almost nothing in the entire world, honestly, means more to me than the music they make and how phony that sounds even to me. how its a few guitar chords and some catchy hooks and that it can make two people of completely different backgrounds, personalities, races, ages, anything - feel the same thing at the same time. or even two polar opposite things at the same time, based on what it means to them specifically. and i was thinking about how even the people who make the music are amazing to me, not because theyre famous, but because in the biggest way possible without actually knowing them or stalking them, i know what types of people they are and they amaze me. and all of that seems utterly impossible for anyone to understand and even sounds exaggerated, and it might be i guess, but it all feels true to me and its a crazy thing.

and how little tiny things mean something to me that would mean nothing to someone else. the same thought process led me to remembering the first night i actually really listened to panic at the disco. i liked one or two of their popular songs but hadnt ever really given them a chance, so i decided to by some of the songs off of afycso and give them a try. so i bought martyrdom and suicide, nails for breakfast and time to dance, put them on my ipod and was about to watch a movie. i had an aero bed set up downstairs with a bunch of blankets anmd all that, and i put my headphones in and listened to the new songs while i changed into pjs and brushed my teeth. and i sat on my aero bed listening to them over again and feeling what they were about a few times before starting the movie. and ive never forgotten that and i dont necessarily want to. and i dont know why things like that stick out in my head. but they almost always have to do with music, i think because its the only thing that really makes me feel.

i remember wanting to rush home from school to catch fob on trl weekdays when thnks fr th mmrs was popular. i remember listening to snitches and talkers again and again and how great i thought it was, and the way that was when i didnt really know fall out boy. it was still just pure, unbiased, new, exciting music. i can feel the way that felt, almost, in the back of my head, even though its gone now. i remember the first time watching all the interviews and live performances and what i thought of pete and patrick and joe and andy before i knew a thing about them. i remember listening to welcome to the black parade and liking the way it wasnt just verse-chorus-verse-chorus. it intrigued me. and i remember not liking the first time i saw gee with black hair because i had always known him with short blonde hair. and i remember deciding i was in love with frank iero after seeing a two-second clip of him on fuse where gerard was showing steven how to do his makeup. i remember dance, dance and every now and then very faintly when im listening to it in my headphones late at night i can hear it the same way i did when it was the only fob song id ever heard. i remember that was the first time anything like pete's lyrics ever caught my attention. "im two quarters and a heart down... dance, dance, were falling apart to half time" was the first "wow. thats amazing" moment, ever, for me. patricks "love" was when i decided that if i ever had sex this song would need to be playing.

i hate what music does to me because it makes me want all of that back. like, i want to be the person i was standing at my bathroom counter listening to that bassline and smiling and feeling what i felt, again for just a second because it felt so good.

it makes you want to hold yourself to keep everything from gushing out and drowing you
i know nobody will ever really understand that but it makes me feel good to pretend that writing this makes you get it just a little bit better

"im two quarters and a heart down
and i dont want to forget how your voice sounds
these words are all i have so i write them
so you need them just to get by
dance dance
were falling apart to half time
dance dance
and these are the lives youd love to lead
dance, this is the way theyd love
if they know how misery loved me
why dont you show me
little bit of spine
youve been saving for his mattress,
love"

god you dont know what it means