"sleepless. lightless. loveless."

wow. how to catch the world up on my life over the course of two months in just one post. at one in the morning. not sure im going to accomplish it. but ill try.

more sleeplessness and lightlessness, as aforementioned in a very fitting quote of my very favorite man. always loveless, so thats not really a shocker(also: i apologize in advance for spelling mistakes; its late/early and this keyboard sucks). come to think of it, the other two arent shockers either. i never sleep. if i can get in five hours in a night, ive done my fair share of work. it takes so much effort for me to just shut off my brain and tell it to sleep for even long enough to survive one night. thats part of the reason i stay up so late. trying to fall asleep is miserable and fustrating.

recently the situation got even worse via some kind of dramatic tantrum thrown by a (former?)friend who is seriously bugging the crap out of me. im not sure its worth trying anymore after the changes ive given her to mature. so you know, props to her for giving me one more reason to not be able to sleep. that especially sucks when she upsets you deeply before a weekend of five am mornings. i hate my head. and my stomach. im a pretty laid back person, like i dont take things seriously when it isnt called for, but when something does hit me, it hits me hard. like, sick to my stomach and throwing up(lol same thing)kind of hard.

i normally rant like this in an email to my bf. but i thought id spare her this time and just tell it to my buddies that i dont really know on the internet. shoutout to the internet-aquiantences(ummm spell check anyone... once again - one in the morning). perhaps you all will be getting more early-morning moody insomniac posts in the future. hurrah for you.

oh, quick update on my musically-delicious world: i am now the proud owner of take this to your grave and from under the cork tree, eff oh bee style. mwahahaha. i also aqcuired a pretty sick rolling-stone-cover fob poster. thanks sister. (huh... i wonder how all of my birthday presents ended up being fall out boy related... strange)

speaking of....... been spending lots of time delving into the wonders of the web and searching for fall out boy interviews and looking at nearly all 304 pictures and poems pete has posted on his friendsorenemies.com account. i figure if everyone already knows i have a problem, what have i got to lose. its not like i tape them to my mirror and pray to them. i just think peter wentz has one of the most fascinating ad talented minds ive ever had the privelage to even get a small taste of. so there. thats what i have to say about that.

speaking of.......(poems this time), i guess i might share a few of my recent niblets, and/or favorite completed poems with the world. these are mostly old but im pretty sure ive never posted them:

(ha ha i just tried to be quiet walking into my bedroom and i totally ran into my door and tripped over everything possible...anyway...)

need to be put somewhere but dont have a home yet:
"kicking and screaming to be the one that you want
youre the one that i need"

"and the world tastes better than it ever did before"

"im only me when im where youve kept me, youre only you when the bottles empty"

i cant wait to get my hands on your chest so i can tear out your tortured heart"

finished or slightly finished:
"and i know where your heads at
somewhere glamorous, gleaming
to fake sanity
to pretend like you cant hear me screaming
but i know where your heads at
and i know its your bed that
shes in, but you cant hear her breathing
through your pounding head
because you swear that she said
'it doesnt matter'"

"youre kissing mirrors
and leaving yourself
with bleeding lips and broken glass
when all you have to show
are these stains and scars
for your efforts
in finding that something,
follow the breadcrumbs my love"

"yes this is your first warning
are you sure theres time for another
are you prepared if its your last
is that the clock ticking
or is it just the desultory beating
of your heart
the hands of that clock
sliding fown your neck
the taste of that stain
intimately close to your tongue
the clock ticking
your heart slipping
without invitation
from your masterfully crafted smile
are you able to scream
are you able to scream"

alrighty so thats that. not sure what else is important at the moment. thunderstorm outside. as aweful as it sounds, i was aching for the sound of rain. it feels good inside just to hear it. i hope its raining when i wake up. i love waking up to rain above my head. i loathe waking up early though, so im in a bit of a sitch with that one. i wish human bodies didnt need sleep. i would appreciate that.

this will probably sound stupid. and cliche. and unrealistic. but how cool would it be to be in a band. i am a total music junkie. and i love to sing, but i dont know how to play anything nor do i really have a striking desire to learn. and id probably look like an ass if i was in a band and all i did was sing and write lyrics... but you know. it still sounds extremely fun to me. its something ive been thinking more about lately. i have for most of my life had no idea what profession i wanted to go into it. and honestly, right now, studying music appeals the most to me. but im entirely aware that i probably would not be supported in that endeavor, considering it isnt a stable career and there are no guarantees it will pay off at all. but god i wish it were. i would be there faster than you can imagine.

heres to hoping i meet a handful of talented musicians who are also great people and interested in forming a high school band and in need of a female singer.

yeah. high hopes, right.
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be seeing you. second star to the right. always.