snippets of my life

piling up and crashing your computer screen. not my idea of a good time either, so no blame laid down. lie back, "your pupils big, rolling like dice".

ive been noticing lately, mostly because for once somebody cares, that i need to get out. "soon as we hit the hospital i know were gonna leave this town, and get new passports and get, get, get, get, get out now". i need a dance, a pep rally, a football game, a trip to somewhere lame, bowling, ice skating, seven eleven at three in the morning, a pool, a theme park, san fransisco, a good music scene, a ski cabin, a cabin at all, fishing, camping, timothy lake, downtown portland, shopping, skate park and burgerville, running under the bridge to hear the cars rattle its foundation, more hours with my legs and my ipod than with my neighbor, movies at cinetopia, your car, nothing important, everything that matters, the world. take your pick and take me there, because there isnt any public transportation in this corner of the country. fall in love and fall apart, because nothing is uncomplicated. i didnt even know it was summer until it was fall(ing) fast like you can watch me move if you really want to. paved with good intentions.

will i ever be good enough for you?

repetition

ps i love that you dont judge me. and thats not talking to you, though i hope that thats true too

2*R

bad

questions that as of the last hour i cannot ask until later/whenever. and now im upset because im beating myself up overthinking and i feel sick to my stomach. sigh

ps no there isnt any point to this post

new record is hot

they say theres a common thread that binds us all. but what if i sewed you up with an uncommon one and then fell in l o v e with the scar

killing time

basically sucks. especially when your house temperature is practically below freezing. really wish i got cell reception at my house. for real. the loud-ness of this keyboard is driving me insane. my shoulders hurt. i compare too much. still waiting for you. hopefully youre not asleep or else this is mostly obsolete. my head feels not as lonely as i would have expected without music playing constantly inside it. i really cant figure out why songs stopped getting stuck in my head. feels later than it is. i guess because its winter, which means its extra quiet, plus everyone is hard asleep. like, cold meds and prescription pills hard. i truly wonder what it feels like to sleep that much. like, would it be good, or would i feel guilty for not getting up with the rest of the world. sometimes i want to hit myself for complaining about the insomnia so much, but mostly i just want to hit her for telling me i need to wake up three hours earlier to do work, to save her labor, because shes too tired all the time. she sleeps through the day every day. i dont even fucking sleep at night. i dont care if im a bitch about it, or even if its self-indused. i cant even understand that.

wow did not mean to rant just then. sorry. im sick of waiting for something that might not even be coming. i should probably just go to bed. ugh. please tell me something good about your day. i feel like listening, and i havent been doing much of it. i keep refreshing the page and nothing changes and im starting to feel like this is pointless.

i hate wanting anything this much. im also kind of hungry. how do those two thoughts even collaborate in my mind.

much love,
ro

ps that actually felt very genuine to type. odd. usually i kind of feel like im bullshitting everyone (or just exercizing my oxymoron skills) when i write that. not now. not at 11:36pm on december 5th of 2008. not right now.

well then

lots of new stuff. lots of not-so-set-in-stone stuff. lots of crazy. lots of talking. some lying. some wondering. cant break free of any of it and i dont know if i need to

i hate circles

startsomethingstartsomethingstartsomethingstartsomethingstartsomethingstartsomething

blameless

it surprises me how very little material stuff matters in my head

and how much all the social/psychological crap matters. not to repeat myself, but i honestly wonder if my "followers"(lol at the term)of this blog got tired of all my complaining and shit because no one ever comments anymore. if you are one of these people of which i speak... i dont blame you, just so you know. i always figured i would scare people away if i ever actually opened up my head and let the contents hit the keyboard

thanks baby for your analogy. because its true and i hate that. i hate that youre always right and sometimes i appreciate it a LOT and sometimes it drives me crazy. youre one those people that fascinate me. you and him. except i cant ever know you. i know him. well, kind of at least.

silver drops of water that are worth absolutely nothing and you know they mean a thousand times more than your four karat. god i hate that thing though. your words hit me harder than i know they should and i wish someone would just punch me hard enough to knock some sense[s out] into me. im at the edge of the page, end of my rope, last of my ink, pit of my thoughts. you can see it and its ugly. i dont like being ugly and i think that you must not like me when im ugly either. sorry for being ugly

cant stop. wont stop. i must be dreaming