it surprises me how very little material stuff matters in my head

and how much all the social/psychological crap matters. not to repeat myself, but i honestly wonder if my "followers"(lol at the term)of this blog got tired of all my complaining and shit because no one ever comments anymore. if you are one of these people of which i speak... i dont blame you, just so you know. i always figured i would scare people away if i ever actually opened up my head and let the contents hit the keyboard

thanks baby for your analogy. because its true and i hate that. i hate that youre always right and sometimes i appreciate it a LOT and sometimes it drives me crazy. youre one those people that fascinate me. you and him. except i cant ever know you. i know him. well, kind of at least.

silver drops of water that are worth absolutely nothing and you know they mean a thousand times more than your four karat. god i hate that thing though. your words hit me harder than i know they should and i wish someone would just punch me hard enough to knock some sense[s out] into me. im at the edge of the page, end of my rope, last of my ink, pit of my thoughts. you can see it and its ugly. i dont like being ugly and i think that you must not like me when im ugly either. sorry for being ugly

cant stop. wont stop. i must be dreaming

"would you like a side of the stomach flu to go along with that emotial meltdown?"

the correct answer to this question would be "why not?"

medium rare, please.

oh yeah, and to balance out the complaining a little

i was a bumblebee for halloween. i may post a picture, but itll probably be forever in the future when i decide to be un-lazy and nobody cares anymore. my halloween this year was probably the best halloween ive ever spent. ive decided my sisters friends are sort of more fun than mine. sorry my friends.

"you know youre jealous of my skittles"
"oh yeah, well i got starbursts"
"... ill trade you my skittles for your starbursts
.
.
.
.
. oh wait... these arent even mine"

clandestine batheart pumpkin. very posh. trick-or-treating for about fifteen minutes. super fun party with super fun people(yes, the ones who are funner than my other friends). great costume. no rain. lots of grounded fog.

and the next day i got to sleep over with my other(sorry slightly not as fun) friends which was good, since i havent really been able to talk with erin for a while.

still caught up in my own head with my petty problems, but beyond that the past two days were pretty great

oh goodness

new love life[or lack thereof] crises that i should be able to post on here, if anywhere, but sadly i dont think i will. this time seems so far-fetched im not sure its even worth your time. thankfully not the same guy as last time, though. i mean, im not sure this crisis is any better, in retrospect, but it feels good to be able to say ive moved on once - maybe i can do it again. i hate everything about my life at the moment though. gah. someone please explain to me why i keep putting myself in destructive situations. youd think you could just be like "no. it hurts every time, so im just not going to do it anymore". but no. lots of sighs and rolling eyes

hope you get more sleep than i do. hope you havent given up on my potential to be a decent, less self-absorbed person yet. im trying

ive decided i honestly do only post on this thing when im in a bad mood

updates in my life are more of the same boring things ive already said, especially the crying parts. ive never been much of the tears on my pillow type but in the past couple weeks ive cried at night several times. all musically related somehow

songs that have made me cry, either because of the song by itself or the situation/mindset i was in when i listened to it:

+ our lady of sorrows - my chemical romance
+ growing up(acoustic)- fall out boy
+ saturday - fall out boy
+ folkin' around - panic at the disco
+ what a catch, donnie - fall out boy
+ time to dance - panic at the disco

saturday was just because i was feeling nostalgic and it came on and i dont know i just started crying. there was really no thought process. folkin around was a complicated and long thought process while that song was on repeat. i was thinking about how strange it is, the level of meaning these few bands have to me. that almost nothing in the entire world, honestly, means more to me than the music they make and how phony that sounds even to me. how its a few guitar chords and some catchy hooks and that it can make two people of completely different backgrounds, personalities, races, ages, anything - feel the same thing at the same time. or even two polar opposite things at the same time, based on what it means to them specifically. and i was thinking about how even the people who make the music are amazing to me, not because theyre famous, but because in the biggest way possible without actually knowing them or stalking them, i know what types of people they are and they amaze me. and all of that seems utterly impossible for anyone to understand and even sounds exaggerated, and it might be i guess, but it all feels true to me and its a crazy thing.

and how little tiny things mean something to me that would mean nothing to someone else. the same thought process led me to remembering the first night i actually really listened to panic at the disco. i liked one or two of their popular songs but hadnt ever really given them a chance, so i decided to by some of the songs off of afycso and give them a try. so i bought martyrdom and suicide, nails for breakfast and time to dance, put them on my ipod and was about to watch a movie. i had an aero bed set up downstairs with a bunch of blankets anmd all that, and i put my headphones in and listened to the new songs while i changed into pjs and brushed my teeth. and i sat on my aero bed listening to them over again and feeling what they were about a few times before starting the movie. and ive never forgotten that and i dont necessarily want to. and i dont know why things like that stick out in my head. but they almost always have to do with music, i think because its the only thing that really makes me feel.

i remember wanting to rush home from school to catch fob on trl weekdays when thnks fr th mmrs was popular. i remember listening to snitches and talkers again and again and how great i thought it was, and the way that was when i didnt really know fall out boy. it was still just pure, unbiased, new, exciting music. i can feel the way that felt, almost, in the back of my head, even though its gone now. i remember the first time watching all the interviews and live performances and what i thought of pete and patrick and joe and andy before i knew a thing about them. i remember listening to welcome to the black parade and liking the way it wasnt just verse-chorus-verse-chorus. it intrigued me. and i remember not liking the first time i saw gee with black hair because i had always known him with short blonde hair. and i remember deciding i was in love with frank iero after seeing a two-second clip of him on fuse where gerard was showing steven how to do his makeup. i remember dance, dance and every now and then very faintly when im listening to it in my headphones late at night i can hear it the same way i did when it was the only fob song id ever heard. i remember that was the first time anything like pete's lyrics ever caught my attention. "im two quarters and a heart down... dance, dance, were falling apart to half time" was the first "wow. thats amazing" moment, ever, for me. patricks "love" was when i decided that if i ever had sex this song would need to be playing.

i hate what music does to me because it makes me want all of that back. like, i want to be the person i was standing at my bathroom counter listening to that bassline and smiling and feeling what i felt, again for just a second because it felt so good.

it makes you want to hold yourself to keep everything from gushing out and drowing you
i know nobody will ever really understand that but it makes me feel good to pretend that writing this makes you get it just a little bit better

"im two quarters and a heart down
and i dont want to forget how your voice sounds
these words are all i have so i write them
so you need them just to get by
dance dance
were falling apart to half time
dance dance
and these are the lives youd love to lead
dance, this is the way theyd love
if they know how misery loved me
why dont you show me
little bit of spine
youve been saving for his mattress,
love"

god you dont know what it means

its that way

the way you sweat
the way youre so close together the air gets thin
the way you cant stand on your own two feet afterwards
the way you scream until you lose your voice
the way you bruise and the way you smile

yes im talking about last night, but im not talking to you darling

i love and hate post-concert depression in equal parts. i love it because that just seems to be the way i am... its feeling, and its feeling a lot, all at once. so i like it. i hate it because you want to be there again. i love and also hate being sore and hoarse and sweaty. i love and hate the fact that you get so desperately thirsty youll drink out of a water bottle thats been passed around to 50 hot(like the temperature, kay) people you dont know.

almost got a drumstick from hit the lights. touched sing it loud's bassist's arm. laughed a lot at jonathan from ftsk's craziness. got caught up in the scramble during cobra's last/encore song, went a bit psycho, and was standing pretty much beneath gabe saporta, who happens to be extremely tall. hearts for ryland because i love him and hes hilarious

"ouch, gabriel, that really hurt!"

halloween is probably my favorite holiday ever, making october my favorite month. i feel like watching a vampire movie in my orange casper the ghost pants and staying up late and making tents and stuff. i think we need a halloween break from school so we can enjoy these things to their full extent. i dont know, i just really feel like being creeped out. or at least watching something dark and creepy-themed, even if its from the ninteies and isnt accually scary

holy crap

well the countdown just backtracked to SIXTY THREE DAYS.

:|

folie a deux has been postponed till december 16. i think i might die. especially since theyre releasing another single tomorrow, and another the next tuesday. and more podcasts. and i appreciate the effort, what with the keeping us busy until december, but itd honestly be easier for me to just keep it off my mind for the next few months. oh well. i guess ill tough it out. maybe. all i have to do it breathe and keep going, right? easy enough

one of my hormone-less friends decided she liked someone today. i thought id be more happy about that. i dont know. i obviously cant say that it annoys me, because ive been bugging her to like someone for the past year, but it does. dont know why. i guess it brought up the me liking/not liking someone thing again, i mean obviously not verbally but in my head. its so STUPID. like two weeks ago i was like "i think its possible that i still like him, shit" and now its like "no im pretty sure i dont". its like i quit some kind of freakish addiction cold turkey and i can go fine until i see it or hear it or anything, and then im bad again. so i guess now im hoping NOT to ever see him at another football game. then as soon as i decide that ill see him at one, not get to talk to him, and wish to see him again for the following month, right? yeah well. ive got some issues

think thats it. possibly something more exciting sometime else. i havent written in a long time ._.

second star to the right