nothing new

and yet im posting. probably because im bored. good enough reason? i believe so.

did a lot of singing yesterday. accually thats all i did. funny how that can accually keep me entertained for like seven hours. and it did. flawlessly. i didnt even eat anything except for once before noon and once at eight thirty. music distracts me. when im thinking things and talking and whatnot i dont really get to appreciate a song as much as i do when its ridiculously loud in my ears at night.
"inside your headphones the outside world doesnt matter" - peter wentz
thats why i always try to listen to a song for the first time either when im alone or in my headphones. but it also applies to songs ive listened to countless times. it happened with "the patron saint of liars ad fakes" this morning. i listened to it yesterday and, you know, was happy because obviously i like it, but i was thinking and singing and being conscious. this morning i wasnt thinking. i was just existing and feeling. and when the first chord of that song came on my stomach absolutely turned. in the best possible way. it still amazes me what certain songs can do to me.

found this piece called "a poets advice" by e.e. cummings. i personally liked it alot:

"A real human is somebody who feels and who expresses his or her feelings. This may sound easy. It isn’t.
A lot of people think or believe or know what they feel—-but that’s thinking or believing or knowing: not feeling. And being real is feeling—-not just knowing or believing or thinking.
Almost anybody can learn to think or believe or know, but it’s very difficult to learn to feel. Why? Because whenever you think or you believe or you know, you’re a lot of other people: but the moment you feel, you’re nobody - but - yourself.
To be nobody - but -yourself— in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else—means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting.
As for communicating nobody-but-yourself to others, that means working just a little harder than anybody who isn’t real can possibly imagine. Why?
Because nothing is quite as easy as just being just like somebody else. We all of us do exactly this nearly all of the time—and whenever we do it, we are not real.
If, at the end of your first ten or fifteen years of fighting and working and feeling, you find you’ve loved just once with a nobody-but-yourself heart, you”ll be very lucky indeed.
And so my advice to all young people who wish to become real is: do something easy, like dreaming of freedom—unless you’re ready to commit yourself to feel and work and fight till you die."

last nights attempt to waste a few hours by coming up with a concept that i could write about and accually form a decent amount(like, more than one paragraph) of lyrics about kind of failed. i did manage another pointless snippet of poetry that has nowhere further to go though...
"dont you think your sky
is so much better than mine
the stars above your head
brighter just before they die"

if i had enough musical knowledge to write the music to a song, i have a feeling it would probably have a sort of panic at the disco/metro station/forever the sickest kids kind of feel to it. im a pretty big fan of the techo-esque sound, with really funky keyboard parts and stuff. im an even bigger fan of songs that can continue to be catchy and dance-able, while there lyrics are deep and occasionally cynical. panic and fall out boy are seriously accomplished at that. fob being a little less dance-able than panic but still with appealing beats and the best lyrics ive ever heard.

anywho... im going to see the broadway production of phantom of the opera tonight at keller auditorium. i think i spelled that wrong. oh well. i havent been in school for two months. opera should be fun. my dress isnt very opera-ish(black with big pink-and-grey absracty polka dots) but i love it. itll probably also be my homecoming dress. freshman this fall... only two more weeks x.X

be seeing you. second star to the right

"sleepless. lightless. loveless."

wow. how to catch the world up on my life over the course of two months in just one post. at one in the morning. not sure im going to accomplish it. but ill try.

more sleeplessness and lightlessness, as aforementioned in a very fitting quote of my very favorite man. always loveless, so thats not really a shocker(also: i apologize in advance for spelling mistakes; its late/early and this keyboard sucks). come to think of it, the other two arent shockers either. i never sleep. if i can get in five hours in a night, ive done my fair share of work. it takes so much effort for me to just shut off my brain and tell it to sleep for even long enough to survive one night. thats part of the reason i stay up so late. trying to fall asleep is miserable and fustrating.

recently the situation got even worse via some kind of dramatic tantrum thrown by a (former?)friend who is seriously bugging the crap out of me. im not sure its worth trying anymore after the changes ive given her to mature. so you know, props to her for giving me one more reason to not be able to sleep. that especially sucks when she upsets you deeply before a weekend of five am mornings. i hate my head. and my stomach. im a pretty laid back person, like i dont take things seriously when it isnt called for, but when something does hit me, it hits me hard. like, sick to my stomach and throwing up(lol same thing)kind of hard.

i normally rant like this in an email to my bf. but i thought id spare her this time and just tell it to my buddies that i dont really know on the internet. shoutout to the internet-aquiantences(ummm spell check anyone... once again - one in the morning). perhaps you all will be getting more early-morning moody insomniac posts in the future. hurrah for you.

oh, quick update on my musically-delicious world: i am now the proud owner of take this to your grave and from under the cork tree, eff oh bee style. mwahahaha. i also aqcuired a pretty sick rolling-stone-cover fob poster. thanks sister. (huh... i wonder how all of my birthday presents ended up being fall out boy related... strange)

speaking of....... been spending lots of time delving into the wonders of the web and searching for fall out boy interviews and looking at nearly all 304 pictures and poems pete has posted on his friendsorenemies.com account. i figure if everyone already knows i have a problem, what have i got to lose. its not like i tape them to my mirror and pray to them. i just think peter wentz has one of the most fascinating ad talented minds ive ever had the privelage to even get a small taste of. so there. thats what i have to say about that.

speaking of.......(poems this time), i guess i might share a few of my recent niblets, and/or favorite completed poems with the world. these are mostly old but im pretty sure ive never posted them:

(ha ha i just tried to be quiet walking into my bedroom and i totally ran into my door and tripped over everything possible...anyway...)

need to be put somewhere but dont have a home yet:
"kicking and screaming to be the one that you want
youre the one that i need"

"and the world tastes better than it ever did before"

"im only me when im where youve kept me, youre only you when the bottles empty"

i cant wait to get my hands on your chest so i can tear out your tortured heart"

finished or slightly finished:
"and i know where your heads at
somewhere glamorous, gleaming
to fake sanity
to pretend like you cant hear me screaming
but i know where your heads at
and i know its your bed that
shes in, but you cant hear her breathing
through your pounding head
because you swear that she said
'it doesnt matter'"

"youre kissing mirrors
and leaving yourself
with bleeding lips and broken glass
when all you have to show
are these stains and scars
for your efforts
in finding that something,
follow the breadcrumbs my love"

"yes this is your first warning
are you sure theres time for another
are you prepared if its your last
is that the clock ticking
or is it just the desultory beating
of your heart
the hands of that clock
sliding fown your neck
the taste of that stain
intimately close to your tongue
the clock ticking
your heart slipping
without invitation
from your masterfully crafted smile
are you able to scream
are you able to scream"

alrighty so thats that. not sure what else is important at the moment. thunderstorm outside. as aweful as it sounds, i was aching for the sound of rain. it feels good inside just to hear it. i hope its raining when i wake up. i love waking up to rain above my head. i loathe waking up early though, so im in a bit of a sitch with that one. i wish human bodies didnt need sleep. i would appreciate that.

this will probably sound stupid. and cliche. and unrealistic. but how cool would it be to be in a band. i am a total music junkie. and i love to sing, but i dont know how to play anything nor do i really have a striking desire to learn. and id probably look like an ass if i was in a band and all i did was sing and write lyrics... but you know. it still sounds extremely fun to me. its something ive been thinking more about lately. i have for most of my life had no idea what profession i wanted to go into it. and honestly, right now, studying music appeals the most to me. but im entirely aware that i probably would not be supported in that endeavor, considering it isnt a stable career and there are no guarantees it will pay off at all. but god i wish it were. i would be there faster than you can imagine.

heres to hoping i meet a handful of talented musicians who are also great people and interested in forming a high school band and in need of a female singer.

yeah. high hopes, right.
.
.
.

be seeing you. second star to the right. always.

I haven't written anything in like two weeks

... whoops. I guess nothing really exciting has been happening. Shows how awesomely busy my summers are, right? Pretty much going to friends' houses and concerts are the only things I'll be doing for the next seven weeks. Speaking of... it's very possible that I might be going on Vans Warped in August, which would be so sick! And I'd like to be BLG too, but I don't think I'll make that one. Going to the beach with a friend in a few days, but you know, it's the Pacific Northwest, so it'll probably be windy and suckish. I've been reading interviews and articles and FOE journals all day (geez robin stop being so overwhelmingly active) and, although he watered it down a little by informing us that he usually says things like this and then they end up screwing it up and taking more time than planned, Pete was qouted in one interview as saying that the band is trying to get the new Fall Out Boy album in stored before the end of the year. Can you say OH! EM! GEE! Yeah I know I must sound like such a twelve-year-old fan girl right now... but who really cares. If music if life then Fall Out Boy is living. Which is ironic considering I'll probably die the day the new album comes out. Then I'll listen to it and be more alive then I was before I died. Ha. Ha ha. I'm an odd person.

Graduated

yup, I am now officially a ninth grader. I don't think I'll say much else or I might start crying because I'm kind of a messed up piece of crap right now, but... you know. tons of people going to a different high school than me, and one of my best friends whose going to BGHS didnt even show up to school today so I didnt get to have him sign my yearbook and I didnt get to say goodbye. I know that sounds sappy and lame, but as I said... I'm pretty messed up. everyone will probably say "you should be happy! you're finally moving on to high school" but I'm a very emotional person and the thought of not seeing a lot of my best friends (well, my five BEST friends are going to the same HS as me but the rest of my not-as-close but still best friends friends) anymore is enough to send me over the edge. I'll be excited for ninth grade after I get over the shock and realize that these people havent left the earth and I can still see them after school and talk to them on the phone and everything, but for now I feel sick and I need to be sad and I dont think people understand that for the most part, because they always get mad when you cry like its wrong or bad or something. sorry for the very boring, repetitive, obsolete post. I'm not a very entertaining person when I'm upset.

Panic! At the Disco in Portland... yes this post is very late

Sorry for just getting this up... I'm very busy with school(speaking of I should be doing math homework) and graduation and an upcoming horse show, so...

Panic! concert was C-R-A-Z-Y, crazy! I accually had a few bruises on my legs on Monday from the bajillions of bodies shoving me against things. It was hella fun, though! Five hours on concrete in Converse sure hurts your feet afterwards but I wasn't really paying attention to that after Ryan Ross came out to play a song with the first opening band, Phantom Plantet. I freaked even worse when Brendon came out during The Hush Sound. I don't know the names of any of the songs that the warm-ups played, but Panic played (all that I remember, at least... not particularly in the correct order):

1- We're So Starving
2- Nine In The Afternoon
3- But It's Better If You Do
4- {didn't recognize this one}
5- That Green Gentlemen
6- The Only Difference Between Martyrdom and Suicide is Press Coverage
7- I Write Sins Not Tragedies
8- Lying Is the Most Fun a Girl Can Have Without Taking Off Her Clothes
9- Time to Dance(acoustic)
10- Mad as Rabbits
101 Northern Downpour

I was scary close to the barrier at one point... and I swear to god it was like three hundred degrees in that little warehouse thing...

So as I said, I had a blast! I really hope Panic! does another show near us sometime, because they were insanely good.

Sorry for short, not-very-detailed post, but I'll probably die tomorrow if I procrastinate on my geometry homework one more night...

ONE EFFING DAY, BABY!

Sorry. I'm more excited than I should be but I am anyway. OMG I don't even have a freaking outfit to wear yet... going shopping tomorrow. HT, get your game face on 'cause I need red and gold, NOW. I wonder if they sell gold eyeshadow... and if I did that I'd need red eyeliner, or I could do it the other way around but gold eyeliner wouldn't really show up very well... and how am I supposed to straighten my hair if I have to go shopping and then go to my mom's BF's house to change in his bathroom and then get to the concert and still look presentable enough to not really be seen but still in the presence of Brendon Urie? LOL, the memories from getting ready for my last concert...

I walk in to my sister's bathroom, where she and our neighbor are getting ready, with my hair half done and no makeup on and no shoes and only like twenty minutes until we have to leave, and this is all I have to say:

"God did not give us enough time to prepare to be in the same room as Gerard Way" - rockin_robin

Atleast this time it's on a weekend so I don't have to scramble after getting home from school. But still. Jesus Christ I really hope my first Fall Out Boy concert (no, I haven't seen them live yet... it kills me inside, too) is over summer vacation or AT LEAST a weekend, because I would probably hyperventilate to the point of near death if I only had two hours after school to get ready to be in the same room as those four boys. I mean I would probably die once I got there and saw them anway, but might as well make it to the venue, at least, right?

And, on a completely random and unrelated note: My history teacher hates me. We were/are learning about D-Day and the Spanish American war and all that, so one day he's giving us notes to copy off of the overhead, and he talks about what the notes say when he does that, and all he can say I swear to God is..."the ARMS RACE between America and Eurasia"..."as a result of the ARMS RACE"..."we started making more weapons to compete in the ARMS RACE against Russia"... OH. MY. GOD. I thought I was gonna go into a seizure. I must've been twitching and foaming at the mouth the entire hour...

Yeah, it's that bad.

Mwhahahahaha!

I know these must be terribly boring for you all, but...

!SIX DAYS!

And also: Club Penguin is hilariously fun. My friend had me make a penguin when I was at her house (just something stupid to do while we were bored) and now I love going on there and being retarded. I'll just start singing in the streets and randomly talking to people and fishing and night-clubbing with all the other purple and green and hot pink penguins. It's da bomb!